Spilled Ink

On Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's day to my bad bitches and beotches!! So I do not normally "celebrate" this holiday, and I am single this year, so that would generally equate to a grumpy Izzy, grumbling about how this is a consumerist holiday that celebrates being mundane. But, I want to be more "positive" this year, so I packed my bags and decided I am going to celebrate with my big sister. It's just an excuse to leave my house for a little bit, mainly, but also why not. So today I will be disclosing some of my greatest baking secrets to everyone. Shhh, this is basically the only reason I have friends. 

Chocolate Covered Fruit

My big secret for this is basically freezing the fruit, and paying a lot of attention to the chocolate. I assume everyone is using the double-boiler method to melt their chocolate, AND IF YOU ARE NOT, then please stop using your microwave and use the damn stove (if you don't have a stove, then you are allowed to use the microwave, but you still have to do double-boiler). When I melt my chocolate, I use coconut oil or sweet almond oil, and honestly I feel like it makes the chocolate taste better in the end, for reasons I shouldn't have to explain. So use either those two, or just a little bit of salted butter, but for the love of all that is holy do not use vegetable/ olive/ anything of the sort oil. Also, sAlT tHe cHoCoLaTe! It's 2020, do I still have to tell you to salt your chocolate? Okay, that's basically it. 

Box-Mix Brownies

Okay, it's out! I use box-mix brownies sometimes, sue me. But, I refuse to follow the instructions because I am a rEbEl, and I'm nOt LiKe tHe oThEr gIrLs (I'm a dumb fucking idiot), and I feel like my brownies still come out superior. So, you know how on most box mixes for brownies, it says, use oil, water, and two eggs, YOU DO NOT DO THAT! THAT IS HOW YOU GET NASTY BROWNIES, DO YOU WANT TO FEED YOUR MOM NASTY BROWNIES? NO BRENDA OR BRENDAN YOU DO NOT! So get your lazy ass up and follow my instructions. Instead of water use milk, it doesn't matter what kind, and use the same measurement it says to, but maybe keep a little extra on the side, cause you will need it later. Now add the oil, I use olive oil, cause it's healthier and it does not change the taste, trust me. Beat that shit up. Next, in another bowl add one whole egg and break it up with your whisk, or fork, or whatever you are using. Then, and here is the actual secret part, instead of another egg, use 3 tablespoons of mayo (I think avocado mayo is best, but whatever works). You probably think this sounds gross, but trust me. TRUST ME. It tastes so freaking good, and it takes more time to get that stale taste. Also when you bake it, bake it for a 5 more minutes than the recommended cooking time, or until it looks like how you want it. This recipe will yield the most moist and fudgy brownies you've ever tasted. 

As much as I want to disclose more of my baking tips and tricks, I am running short on time, so maybe in another chapter. Till then, try these out, and thank me later (or if it turns out bad, just forget about this chapter and come back next week for our regularly scheduled programming).