7 days in limbo [Billie Eilish]

DAY II.3: five feet apart

After Billie left Finneas turned to me and asked questions about how Jäger was founded. Billie came back a few minutes later and sat down on the other side of me so her brother and I could continue our conversation without talking over her.
She dropped a bag of crisps in my lab, made herself comfortable on the couch and began stuffing her face with a burrito. I would have to thank Richard for his buffet food choices later.

The party, if you could call it that, began to thin out. Finneas and I drifted into more technical details of sound engineering and Billie seemed to get tired after devouring her burrito in less than five minutes.
My heart skipped a beat when she stopped fiddling with the sleeve of her hoodie and reached for my right hand instead.

I almost pulled away.

It doesn't mean anything, I thought. Don't be so scared of casual contact, some people are just physical.

It felt odd but nice. I froze as her fingers traced over my skin to explore the parts hardened by the scar. It made my hand tingle and my head spin.
After a short mental blackout I was able to keep up the conversation with her brother. Someone turned town the music, allowing us to talk at normal volume. The staff began to clean up around us.

At one point Billie lay her hand flat on mine, palm to palm. She was definitely cheating by having her wrist higher than mine and her nails were not making it a fair game either.
Her palm was warm and I smiled. Maybe, just maybe, I was a little touch starved. It was not like I could ask some girl I made out with in a pub's bathroom to hold my hand so that was what I decided to do. I intertwined our fingers.

I kept looking at Finneas or around the room, too scared to see Billie's reaction. I felt her closed her hand around mine. It felt familiar in a way.
With a stroke of my thumb over her knuckles I put both our hands in the pocket of my hoodie.

Only now did I dare to look at her to find a lazy smile and sleepy eyes. I smiled back, feeling something in my chest expand for a fleeting moment.

She yawned overdramatically and shifted on the couch to put her head on my shoulder.
Finneas talked me through the plans for his new studio but I could not comprehend half of it. In fact, I forgot to breathe for a solid minute.

He rolled his eyes at his sister. "Don't fall asleep Billie. We need to go back to the hotel."

There was no answer. Maybe she had actually fallen asleep. I could not tell because her face was buried against my shoulder and I did not dare to move.

Is it normal to be comfortable enough around someone to fall asleep on them this quickly, I asked myself.
I had no answer because usually I was not this touchy and a bad example to go by.
Perhaps it's that whole shared trauma thing, I thought. We've been stuck in a lift after all.

"I'm sorry," Finneas apologised, "I think she's just tired. We're still kind of jetlagged. I can wake her if that bothers you."

Careful not to move the rest of my body I shook my head. He did not see that we were also holding hands so he could not know just how much it did not bother me.

"I get it. It was a long two days."

Finneas' phone got a notification. He looked apologetically at me and I nodded to tell him he could read it.

We were alone in the conference room. Christopher had been the last to leave, a girl he had met by the bar in tow. I made a mental noteto ask him about her later.

I stared dreamily into the colourful lights moving about the empty room. I was feeling tired, the good kind, the kind I could fix with sleep.
With a content hum I rested my head against Billie's. She felt soft against me, her hand warm and her breathing deep. For a blissful moment I was not thinking anything at all.

I could have stayed on that couch forever.

"Mara," someone shook my shoulder, "don't fall asleep too."

Reality was a heartless bitch.

"Shit!" I rubbed my eyes. "Sorry."

"My girlfriend texted me. She just landed in Heathrow." Finneas glanced at his sister, "I think if we go now I can have my driver drop off Billie at our hotel on the way to the airport."

I shifted, causing Billie to mumble something. Maybe she wanted to stay on this couch forever too.

I nudged her lightly and softened my voice, "Hey... Billie?"

"Ummmf"

"I think you have to get going."

She furrowed her brow and opened one eye before jerking upright and pulling her hand out of the pocket of my hoddie.

"Sheesh... I think I fell asleep." She rubbed her face and blinked repeatedly, trying to force her eyes open. "You're hella comfortable."

I stood from the couch, suddenly feeling cold from the loss of contract. "You know, it has been really nice to meet you two..." I fumbled for words. For some reason I could not look at Billie.
"I won't be here then but if you ever want to come back I'm sure the venue will be open to you. This is goodbye, I guess."

Finneas gave me a quick hug. "The pleasure has been mine."

Billie yawned, got up slowly and opened her arms for me. I hugged her closely, letting my head fall to her shoulder.

"Take care," she said when I let go and stepped back.

There was a lopsided smile on her face. She was so sleepy. I wanted to go back to the couch. I wanted to walk her to the car. I wanted to tell her to stay.

Since when was I so mushy with goodbyes?

"Bye." The word tasted bitter in my mouth. Have a nice life, I guess.

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Exit Music (For a Film) - Radiohead