of the universe (and things)

shower me in sunlight

i thought that maybe one day,
i'd feel better.
that one day all this pain would subside,
and maybe you not being here
wouldn't feel so bad anymore.
i thought one day, maybe,
i'd remember your jokes and laughter
and your showering of sunshine
and i'd feel happy that i got to know you
for most of my life
(especially when there's people who will never get to even know you for a fraction of their life).
i even thought that writing about you
and how you were still here in spirit
-whether i believed a word i wrote or not-
would heal the burden in my chest
(it only made it worse).
i thought maybe i'd be better by now,
that people would talk about you
(like they always do)
and i wouldn't have to leave the room
for fear of shedding tears.
i just wished and hoped that i'd be better by now.
because every time i think of
how it might get better
i remember
that you won't ever get to see me
walk across the stage
with a big smile on my face:
one that went through two years of braces you'd never see.
(that breaks my heart,
that you'll never see
a confident smile from me).
or that you won't ever meet
my new chosen family:
be it the new friends along the way
-better than the ones you'd met before-
or whomever i decide
to spend my life loving
for as long as i can.
or that i'd never got the chance
to be fully myself around you,
that i was too scared
of such a wonderful person
deciding they wouldn't want me
to be their granddaughter anymore
because of whom i may possibly love.
but what truly breaks my heart the most
is that you'll never get to tell me
the same stories that you used to,
even if i'd heard them
multiple times before
and even if i thought i'd grow sick
if i'd ever heard them again.
so i'll spend the rest of my life
trying to mend the hole
that you left in the world,
aching for you to come and fix it yourself
(because i know you wish you could).