The Way We Feel

Chapter 11

Usually I'd go with all my problems to Vicky, but out of shame I decide to keep this to myself. We tell each other everything, almost everything, but this is something I can't bare to tell her. I'm scared of her reaction, of how she will perceive me as a person. I don't wanna look like a villain, but I'm making myself to be one. I cheated on someone who genuinely cares for me. Why am I making everything so complicated, when I wished for an easier life?

My therapist? I cancelled today's therapy session with a good excuse. I'm busy moving, which I really am, but I'm also ashamed of telling her, that I cheated on my boyfriend with Adrien. Honestly, I bet that wouldn't even surprise her after everything I've told her so far.

There is no one to talk to, not even my mother. I could never tell her something like this. Colette and I don't talk anymore, because of what happened between Adrien and I. It's not like I would tell her anyway, because she is Adrien's sister.

I'm basically alone.

My phone vibrates as if it is trying to tell me, that I'm actually not alone. I take a deep breath, seeing that it's Adrien calling me.

"I'm busy."

"Can we talk? Please, it's important."

That came out pretty serious and was kind of unexpected, that I'm starting to feel nervous. There's not much he can do, besides agreeing with ending things or continuously begging me to take him back.

"Can we meet at the park?"

"Sure."

I hang up the phone shortly afterwards and hope that I don't have to expect the worst that's going to happen.

He has his hands shoved in the pockets of his raincoat, while the shade created by his baseball cap is covering his eyes. He doesn't seem to mind making his boots dirty, as he steps in the still wet mud from yesterday's rain.

"Hi." He says as he seats himself next to me, but he keeps his respectful distance. If it weren't Adrien, I wouldn't think too much of it, but this is Adrien. Something's wrong, which tells me, that he didn't take yesterday's conversation too well. I don't blame him, he loves me doesn't he?

"How are you?"

"I'm... fine I guess." He says and looks almost uncomfortable answering it.

"About yesterday-"

"No you're right. I shouldn't have begged you to take me back, when I know that I had a chance with you. I'm sorry. I'm still as desperate as before, but I'm not doing myself a favor, by constantly running after you like a dog running after a bone."

"What made you change your mind all of the sudden? Was it really the text message I sent you?"

"I thought about what you said." He sits up now with a straightened back and towers over me. The shade on his eyes from earlier is gone. "When you said 'if it were to be the other way around I'd be upset' I would. After our conversation, that really lingered in my head and I had to think about the incident, that happened at your house with that guy who you were in your bed with. It wasn't cheating, but to me that already felt like it."

"His name was Leo, and those were completely different situations-"

"I know Lola and I said it, it wasn't cheating, but already that feeling was enough for me to lose my temper. I'm a dick, but when it comes to cheating..." he pauses, "It's one of the only things, that would completely fuck me up."

I look at him with full hurt, knowing, that I'm a cheater.

"But I made you cheat, so don't look at me that way." He immediately says.