Count On Me

And Auld Lang Syne

Previously:

I stand there, lips parted, feeling almost in shock. Four steps back and buries his hands in his pockets. His face is tinged with pink, right up to the tips of his ears. If the heat in my cheeks is anything to go by, I'm sure I'm blushing just as hotly. I clear my throat, my eyes darting around the room to look anywhere else but at Four. I finally settle on Christina's face, wide-eyed and jaw dropped.

"And you didn't want to kiss him," she mutters, cocking an eyebrow.

I look around and find that Christina is not the only one staring at us. Will is smirking, Shauna appears to be somewhere between happy and shocked, and that guy Brad from the Jenga game is scowling.

This is not what I wanted tonight. I wanted to escape, like I did at that first party I went to with Uriah, the one where I took on the carefree persona of Tris. Things aren't supposed to be so complicated for Tris, this wasn't supposed to happen. All of my feelings for my first love were supposed to be buried with the name Beatrice.

"I'm just gonna..." I start, but I trail off and swallow, having no idea what excuse to give. I can't think over all the thoughts swimming in my head and the creeping panic building in my chest. I just want to run away from Four, and from these gawking people, and even from myself and these stupid feelings that keep cropping back up.

So, without explanation, I turn and push my way between people and disappear into the crowd.

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SATURDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2016 | 10:45 PM | TRIS

The party has become more crowded as the night goes on, making it harder and harder to push through the throng of guests. I am bumped and jostled as I wade through the sea of people. If I were at a concert, this would only add to the high that comes with a rush of adrenaline, but not tonight. There is already a band around my chest that comes with the panic I feel from that kiss. I am not usually claustrophobic, but tonight the crowded atmosphere is a boa constrictor squeezing the breath out of me.

That kiss. Contradictory feelings rush through me, flood me, all whirling and mixing together and going out of focus so I cannot grasp one long enough to identify it before the next sweeps through.

That kiss. The truth is, I liked it. I got lost in it. If Tobias ― no, Four, he's Four now ― had not pulled back, we might still be liplocked in that doorway.

That kiss. I wasn't supposed to like it. I wasn't supposed to want it. But I did. I do. And that is the problem.

The more I think about it, the more the panic consumes me.

I look everywhere, stand on my tiptoes to see over people's shoulders. There is one person who can always calm me, bring me back to reality, and I need him now. I search for the familiar dark curls and bright, round chocolate brown eyes. Uriah will know what to do, what to say. He always knows what I need and he never lets me down.

When I finally spot him, I stop dead in my tracks.

It's not that he and Marlene are doing anything shocking or inappropriate. Not at all. It's the way they stand with so little distance between them... the adoration and devotion I see in her face as she looks up into his eyes... the tenderness and affection when he tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. They are already in love, and this is the first chance they have had to really express it, or to let the world in on the secret. No matter how much I need my best friend, I can't get in the middle of that.