Understanding (Neville Longbottom)

20

As I climbed the stairs to the dorm room, I had a very weird realization that pinched the back of my neck and sent a shiver through my spine: Sasha would be waiting for me.
I had thought about her and Jade a lot during Christmas break, debating if a gift on my part would be accepted or seen as mocking our almost dead friendship.
I had decided not to send anything and didn't receive a gift from neither so at least I had been right there.
I knew I would have to face them, but I thought our relationship would go on as before: just running into each other and awkwardly look the other way.
If Sasha was there alone, and so early after dinner, she would want to confront me.
I took a deep breath and got in.

As expected, Sasha was standing right there facing the entrance waiting for me.
She didn't look angry, but she did look surprised as she took me in
"Jo"

"Hi Sash"

"Hi" she sighed and turned sad or... Resigned? "I thought you wouldn't be back"

"I decided to stay" I said coming in and putting my bag on my bed, the one next to hers

She lifted a brow "You decided?"

"Yes"

"How did Oberon take it?"

"He's not happy about it" I admitted "but he couldn't stop me since he decided to stay as well"

"He did"
She stopped to think for a moment. She looked tired, frail; stress had taken a toll on her, she was still beautiful but not quite gorgeous as she had been.
She sighed, sitting down on her bed
"My father said that your uncle fought bravely in the first war against You Know Who, and he respects him very much for it" she smiled and looked at me
"I should have known you're more his daughter than Alexander's. I do respect you for the choice you made"

Was she sincere? I was entirely confused! Her behavior towards me had changed completely, now she sounded like my Sash, my best friend. But there was something off.

"Are you sure?" I asked sitting down as well, facing her

"I truly am" she nodded "even though I tried to change your mind because it's dangerous and I love you"

"I love you too" I whispered

She smiled again "I know"

Then she took a deep breath and looked at her shoes "You're very brave. And you have a lot of strenght, like all Vances, but I don't. I'm not... I'm not like you. I am afraid"

"It's ok to be afraid" I said as a way to break the silence that was stretching.

She turned her eyes to me again, a weird edge to them "I am afraid constantly Jo! Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe"

I finally put together everything in my head: this weird conversation, her calm explaining, praising my choice but stating how different she felt.
It all made sense to me now. I had seen her break up with plenty of boyfriends before, it just took me a while to recognize the pattern once applied to me.

She couldn't, simply couldn't, be my friend anymore.
She had thought about it during Christmas apparently, and had reached this. She was explaining it to me because she loved me and didn't want to just stop.

"I know" I breathed out "you're my best friend. I know what's in your head"
She looked at me a little skeptic but still calm
"And I understand" I concluded

"You understand" she repeated

I took a deep breath: I had thought about her too, and even though I didn't expect her to do this, I had come to understand what it was like for her.