Understanding (Neville Longbottom)

22

Flitwick opened the door to the tower without a second thought about his answer to the riddle; he charged through the common room, directed towards the dormitories
"Put her on the couch, Longbottom!"

He didn't need to say it: as soon as I was close to the couch, I longed for it, and my body just gave up.
Neville settled us on it, one arm firmly wrapped around my shoulders so he could keep me upright.
I winced as a sudden pain stabbed me in the ribs, but it wasn't too strong: the potion was still taking care of the worst of it.
Neville, however, immediately noticed.
"Are you ok?" he asked for the millionth time that night, probably.

"Yes" I answered automatically

"Josie" his severe voice made me look at him. He was staring at me with stone cold eyes: he wanted the truth, he was not going to be lied to.
I understood, really I did.
I appreciated that he was actually restraining himself, that his instincts were telling him to wrap me in blankets and take me to St. Mungo.

Because he was my friend, I tried for the first time to actually consider how I was feeling; but as soon as I opened the door behind which I had locked my memories of the...
I couldn't even say it. Not even in my head!
I slammed that door and locked it again, thinking with force about something else, anything else.
I wasn't fine.
It took all my will power to look Neville in the eyes, and as soon as he stared into mine he nodded as if I had just confirmed his worst nightmare.
He drew in air sharply and brought his long fingered hand over his eyes.
That broke me a little more.
However a flood of tenderness washed over me at the same time and dimmed my terror, my pain.

I grabbed Neville's face in my hands; he let me do it but wasn't really there: he was in his own mind, imagining terrible things.
What must have been like for him to see his friend like that? What would my reaction have been, were our roles reversed?
"I'll be fine. Neville, look at me."

He finally turned his wet eyes towards me and searched for the signs of torture. Pain, exhaustion, fear, were all so evident on his face it made me want to cry too.
He shook his head, his voice was broken "I thought-"

"Don't say it" I cut him off hugging him with all the force I had left, I pressed my body against his with desperation.
I'm here. I'm still here.
He relaxed a little bit and stroked my hair, his chin as always was resting on my head.

He took a shuddering breath.
"We'll be watched" he said, finally.

I hadn't considered it, but he was definitely right.
"I know" I whispered.
We would have to find a way to communicate without the Carrows knowing.

We stood like that, without saying anything. What else was there to say, really?
After a minute, noises alerted us that Flitwick was coming down the stairs, and sure enough he appeared with Sasha close behind.

"All right, Jocelyn" the Professor said, moving towards us "You will be safe in here for at least a couple of days. Come on Longbottom, Carrow could be out to check on her already"

Neville nodded and hugged me tight before running out of the dorm and leaving me alone with Sasha.

She was looking at me as if I were a terrifying monster.
I touched my hair, self consciously; maybe I did look like that.

"Flitwick told me what happened" she said with no intonation.
I looked at her, wrapped in her nightgown, her hair all over the place. This was exactly what she had feared; this was what I had promised her,  wouldn't happen. How many times had I said it?
I won't get hurt.
My own words ringed loud in my ears.

"I'm sorry" I whispered, ashamed

"Why are you sorry?" she moved towards me, incredulous.
She came to sit on the table in front of me, worry in her eyes as she studied my face "It's not your bloody fault, trouble just sticks to you like magic tape."