Moss and the Irishman - IT Crowd

He's Not Gay

"One crack, two crack three crack, four crack, door," I mumbled to myself.

I had started counting with four cracks until the door. Even, good luck. I shut my eyes and wished in my head that today my best buddy would have returned. However, as I strode in, wide eyed and ready to seize the say, I saw that Roy was nowhere to be found.

I clenched my fists before carelessly tossing my backpack to the wind- or just across the room. I then stormed into my boss' office and threw myself onto the cushioned seat in front of her desk.

"Aw Moss, are you okay?" She looked over to me from her computer (which was not plugged in, may I add) with a look on her face that seemed to be worried, "I know it's serious because you haven't taken your coat off."

I sighed angrily and folded my arms.

"You're our relationship manager," I didn't look her in the eye, "What does love feel like?"

"Does this have something to do with why Roy isn't showing up?" she leant on the desk and pointed a finger towards me, "You know, I always suspected you were-"

"Just shut it and answer!" I furrowed my eyebrows in a way that I could only describe as ferocious, but Jen didn't seem incredibly scared.

Instead she rolled her eyes slightly and decided to answer.

"Well, when I'm in love I always want to be near that person."

Check.

"And I always want to remind them just how much I love them."

Check.

"And I can't help but wonder how they're feeling or what they're doing at this moment."

Check.

"Of course there's more to it, but that's just an idea," she did her best to catch my eye, "What's this about?"

I pouted and ignored her, "And... if two people... keep rutting around together, even though they keep saying they'll stop, is that love?"

"Oh my god..." Jen yelled, her voice becoming more high pitched, "OH MY GOD! MOSS, I JUST FIGURED IT OUT?"

"Figured what out, Jen?" I shrugged, deciding to entertain her, usually odd, thoughts.

"YOU AND ROY ARE GAY! AND I'M SMARTER THAN I THOUGHT I WAS!" She didn't seem to give any clue as to whether she was accepting or not, just excitement at her figuring out what I guess was a mystery to her.

But, for once, she was right.

"Well, that's the thing, Jen, we're not gay," I clarified.

She snorted, which I found rather rude.

"I'm assuming 'rutting' is your word for sex," she gestured in a way that some might see as professional, had she not been very obviously stifling laughter.

"Well, yes, but, Roy insists he isn't gay," I nodded as an indication for her to go on with the correct facts.

She continued to laugh, "I'm sorry, and he gave me shit for going to that gay musical?"

"But that's the thing," I was beginning to get annoyed at Jen's relentless ignoring of what I was telling her.

"Moss, honey, your adorable lack of awareness leaves you open to be played with," would have been a great thing for Jen to say, were she not still giggling to herself.

"Roy is very obviously confused and, by accident or on purpose, is toying with you. So, I believe Roy is," she paused to snort with laughter, "Gay, but very confused."

I stood up and folded my arms once again, "I've had just about enough of this! Did you ever stop to think that maybe the reason Roy is afraid is because of people like you?"

I stormed, in a way that I believed to be triumphant, out of the office, being sure to pick up my back pack as I left. However, while on my way to Roy's house to be sure he wasn't dead, I got a message.

BestBud❤: are there an even amount of buttons on your clothes today

Mossy Boy: You haven't messaged me in six days, twenty hours and five minutes and THAT is the first thing you message me?

BestBud❤: just answer

Mossy Boy: Yes, there are an even amount of buttons on my attire today.

BestBud❤: lucky right?

Mossy Boy: Yes.

BestBud❤: lucky enough to come over and lose against me at mario kart?

Mossy Boy: ONE round.

I put my phone into my jacket pocket. We could play one round, and then talk about this.

"Deep breaths, Maurice."

-

ToyRoy: how many cracks have you walked over today

Moss(sad face): Doesn't matter.

ToyRoy: im sorry okay

Moss(sad face): It's been a week and you didn't bother to contact me. That's rude, Roy.

ToyRoy: can we just forget that happened? pizza and whatever film you like at mine tonight

Moss(sad face): Fine, but if you do this again, I'm going to be very perturbed.

ToyRoy: it wont happen again

-

"I totally beat you!" I yelled at Roy with a smile spread all over my face.

I had my best friend back.

"I let you!" Roy seemed slightly more serious, which was, if I'm completely honest, cute.

Roy's phone buzzed and I jumped a little, startled to remember that life was a real thing and I couldn't just pick on Roy all day.

"Is it Jen? I stormed out earlier," I raised an eyebrow as Roy checked the notification.

"Oh, nothing, just my uh-" he paused and I watched his eyes scan the room, "Peach salesman?"

My heart began to pound and I felt my chest tighten.
'One, two, three, four,' I counted over and over in my head.
I had only just gotten my best friend back and he was hiding things from me. In a split second decision, I snatched the phone from his hand.

Bernard(smiley face): Great night last night, can't believe you've never had a boyfriend!

I dropped my friend's phone onto the lounge and looked up so that tears wouldn't come out. I didn't cry often.

"Roy, I thought you'd at least have the decency to tell me when you came out, or tell me you were finding new people-"

"Moss, I'm just confused," Roy held my face in his hands and directed my eyes towards his, "You're the only man I've ever... you know. And that's terrifying. And I hate myself every day for having the feelings that I do. I just need time."

I grabbed his arms and pulled his hands away from my face.

"And then what? Some switch is magically going to flip once you've rutted enough guys to know it's not just a phase? And then you'll run into my arms? Or, until you've had enough guys that you're sure there's better out there than me? At least be honest with me!"

Roy leaned in, but instead of kissing me this time, he hugged me. It was odd, but warm? I'd never really been hugged, if I'm honest. It was always intercourse with Roy, my mum was mean and strict, and I'd never had a real romance. I hugged back, tightly. I knew I shouldn't have, but something about him was so calming to me.

"Please," Roy's voice shook in my ear, "Moss, I'm so scared. I'm scared of myself, and that's something I never thought I would feel. Just, please, you're all I have. Let me have you."