Moss and the Irishman - IT Crowd

Oddly Anticlimactic

Roy and I didn't talk the entire walk to the nearest hotel. He was whiter than I was when I got my shots, and whenever I tried to talk to him, all I received was a listless shrug. Roy did irk me at times, but I'd never wanted him to resort to complete silence.

It was the coldest and most awkward I believe Roy and I had ever been towards each other. And it was the worst concoction of guilt, worry and sympathy I had ever felt.

Once in our room, I got changed into my pyjamas, as a sensible adult should before sleeping. However, Roy just plonked himself down on the bed without a word. He didn't close his eyes, he just stared up at the ceiling.

Once changed, I layed down next to him and stared up at the ceiling as well.

"What can I do?" I asked softly.

"I don't wanna talk about it," Roy's expression didn't change.

"You can't just bottle it up," I turned my head to face him.

"That's always what you say," Roy sat up and his voice grew louder, "That I have to be open about myself. But look where I bloody am now!"

I felt my heart shrivel in a way. That's the only way I know how to explain it. I'd never been scared of Roy, nor had I ever been scared of him ending our friendship, or relationship. But my heart seemed to think something was wrong.

I decdided to sit up as well, in order to seem serious.

"I just think it's more practical, in the long run I mean, to be open with the people around you," my hands moved somewhat as I talked, and I made my best attempt to stay calm.

'1, breath, 2, breath, three, breath, four, breath.'

"Well I'm not as sure as you. How could I be? You're so clueless! Everything goes over your head, how could you not just be okay with everything?" Roy stood up, but I seemed unable to move.

I felt as though I had shrunk into the covers of the hotel bed. Perhaps Roy wasn't considering his words, or perhaps this was really how he felt. Whichever one it was, he had never spoken to me like this. I wish I was offended, but mostly I was just let down. Roy was someone who had never put me down for my naïvety. Well, that I'd picked up on.

"Yeah? Well-" I paused between every word, still somehow raising my voice, "If you weren't such a stick in the mud, maybe we'd actually get somewhere in this relationship! And your apartment smells like a ruddy fish swam in some wee and then died!"

I added in that last burn just to really make it sink in for Roy. I believe it worked, because he just turned around and sat back down on the bed. I simply snickered and took a pillow and the only blanket off of the bed, so as to arrange myself a - rather small and uncomfortable - bed on the hotel's floor. Roy huffed and layed down on the remaining pillow.

-

Crickets chirped through the night. I wasn't sure if Roy was awake, but I sure couldn't sleep. Not with those ruddy crickets chirping. They possessed absolutely zero rhythm and their continued surviving was entirely unnessecary. Simply their existence was enough to keep me from ever sleep again.

With Roy though, it was different. He'd hold me close, and suddenly he was my rhythm. Crickets, my fear of the dark, my brain consistently enquiring about the meaning of life and the universe. It all didn't matter, because Roy gave it a reason.

I eventually came to the decision that I should climb back into bed next to Roy. Not because I missed him or anything like that. Just because I needed a proper sleep, and Roy probably needed a blanket.

The second my body indented the bed, Roy rolled over to face me. I realised then, that he was awake too. I wasn't entirely sure in the dark, but I think I saw tears in my boyfriend's eyes.

"I'm sorry," he whispered to me, "I know you don't handle fighting."

I simply nodded softly and buried my head into Roy's chest. It didn't matter.

"If anything, I should have been more understanding," I paused to consider the wording of my sentence, "You were correct; I can be a little clueless... in terms of what's the right time and what isn't. You've had the most difficult twenty-four hours of your life. And it's my job to support you."

At that, Roy lifted my head up and began to passionately kiss me. I reciprocated. Were we actually going to...?

We hadn't since we'd gotten together, and I didn't think we would, for a little while longer at least. Of course I missed it, but I wanted to be sure that our relationship wouldn't go back to just... that.

I think I knew then that it wouldn't, and that Roy undoubtedly loved me. But still, I wanted something more than this. It felt oddly anticlimactic.

"Roy, stop," I pulled away and my boyfriend let go of me, "I want our first time as a couple to be more special than this."

Roy nodded to convey his agreement and pulled me into his chest once again.

"I promise, you'll always have family if you're with me," I wrapped a hand around Roy's back and he kissed me on the forehead.

We fell asleep, the sound of crickets chirping failing to compete with the sound of our combined breathing.