Kissing in a Dream

Moves like Jagger

I dreamt of kissing again. It had been a while since that happened. Maybe it was my subconscious' way of dealing with what had happened with Wolf, or the fact I had a panic attack in his presence—I didn't know.

This time as this person kissed me, all I felt was sunshine. I was light as air.

I still couldn't see his face. That was probably for the best. If the light was better and my kisser was Wolf, I'd combust.

I'd woken up to a bowl of congee, a note and no Wolf.

Have a good day.

W

It was terse, informal, and heartbreaking.

Though I took a couple spoonful of the meal, I didn't shower. I gathered all my things and ran all the way back to my apartment as quickly as my feet would carry me. I hadn't explained anything to him. I hadn't told him Prae wasn't my girlfriend or even why I thought it necessary to confess that to him.

Nothing was cleared up and I felt like a coward for not having told him.

The morning was cold, and the windows were frosted. I payed about with the thermostat until I heard a rattle then a hum through the vents. To be sure, I walked over and hovered my fingertips in front of it until I felt heat.

I called Pa, wanting to hear a familiar voice, a non-judgmental voice, a voice that could take my mind off what was happening. I couldn't tell him I wanted a guy—that I truly felt as if Wolf was the person made my fates to walk beside for the rest of my life.

It wasn't normal. I wasn't normal.

We talked about safe things until Pa sighed.

"Nong?"

"Khrap?"

"Are you okay?" Pa asked. "There is something about the sound of your voice. Are you ill?"

"I miss home, Pa." I replied. "I miss you. I miss how safe you made me feel."

Pa laughed softly. "Nong-Mongkut, this is only for a little while. Soon, you will be back in the safety of the known. Until then, I need you to keep your head up. Be strong."

"I'm trying, Khrap. I'm really trying."

"That's a good boy."

"Pa?"

"Mhmm?"

"Do you ever think, aside from you, anyone will want me?"

Pa said nothing. He cleared his throat. "Of course. There's nothing strange about you, Mongkut. You're a good person, a loving soul. It's just—you won't be something to everyone. But to a special person, you'll be everything. Do you understand?"

"I think so khrap."

"It's like, you love vanilla ice-cream. And vanilla ice-cream is good, really good, but it's not everyone's favourite. Some people won't even taste it."

I nodded. "I get it now, Pa. You're trying to say not everyone will like or want me. But there will be someone, some people who will."

"Yes. You just have to find them or that person."

"Okay khrap! Thanks, Pa."

After the conversation was over, I ignored a couple of calls from Tok and Prae. I showered, taking longer than necessary.

With our assignment submitted, I had no more excuses to always be around Wolf. A part of me felt dead with that thought. It wasn't as though we were friends. Sure, I slept at his place a few times, but that was out of necessity.