Kissing in a Dream

As the Black Crow Sings

The night before a black crow cried outside my window. It had been a couple of days since I'd seen Mongkut and had gone to his place to pick him up. As he laid him my arms, covered in sweat after our love-making, the sound echoed through my room and shocked me.

"I'd like you to meet my father." I said after a while of trying to remember how to breathe again.

Mongkut shifted against me. "Do you think he would remember me? Or he'd know what you would be saying?"

"I don't know. Will you come with me?"

He'd kissed my shoulder. "Okay, khrap."

The black crow cried again and I closed my eyes, held Mongkut closer while crying to pretend I hadn't heard the sound to grate on my soul. My mother had been terrified of the birds. She said each time she heard one, something bad would happen. I wasn't sure about the truth in that, but it was true enough for my mom.

Morning arrived and I woke up alone. With my eyes still closed, I reached to where Mongkut should be on the large bed. I opened my eyes and sat up, looking around the room. The curtains were still closed but my lover was no where to be found. I scooted out of bed, stopped long enough to wash my face and brushed my teeth, then headed downstairs. Mongkut was busy making breakfast.

I smiled and stood at the door watching him.

"You're making breakfast?" I asked.

"I figured you'd be tired." He replied as he glanced at me quickly then back at the omelette he was making. "You tossed and turned all night."

I sighed. "I'm sorry." I entered and poured myself some coffee. The truth was, I wasn't sure what I should say about the nightmare. It had been a thing, a part of me for years.

"Would you object to go talking to someone about them?" Mongkut asked.

My first reaction was to freak out. But the worry in his eyes melted my heart and shown a light into the darkness of my eyes. "I'll think about it." I promised. "It just feels so real—like I actually witnessed a murder outside my window. My dad always had a temper."

"Do you think he has it in him to really murder a man, though?" Mongkut set a plate on the table filled with rice. "I mean, some people are capable of some bad things but not taking a life."

"Trust me." I stepped in to help him cook. "My father can be the devil."

We sat for breakfast, Mongkut using his utensils to set food on my place. I watched with pride, my heart full to bursting.

I did the dishes while Mongkut speak to his father then called Tok and Ari. I dressed alone with Tar speaking with me on speaker and by the time I met up with Mongkut again in the living room, all I wanted to do was lead him to the sofa and lay in his lap.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Wolf asked.

"Will it make you happy?"

Mongkut and I stood hand in hand outside my father's room, leaning against the wall. I couldn't remember the last time I was so nervous. Sure, my father probably wouldn't remember, but I had to tell my father who h I was. I had to introduce this man I'd claimed as my own.

I lifted the back of Mongkut's hand to my lips He leaned over and kissed my cheek quickly.

"Su su, na?" He whispered. "You can do this."

"I don't know if I can."

"You're strong." Mongkut told me. "I believe in you."

I looked over into his eyes and couldn't help the smile that spread my lips. We remained there for a while longer before I released his hand and led him into my father's new room. He was sitting up in bed, sipping slowly from a bowl of soup. When we entered, my father tilted his head and stared at Mongkut with confusion in his eyes.

"Nong." His voice was gravely. "You remind me of when I was young. Around your age. I was in love but our love wasn't the norm. We weren't allowed."

"Was she from an unsuitable family?" Mongkut walked over to sit at the side of his bead.

"It wasn't a she." My father admitted leaning closer. "He was beautiful. Had eyes like yours—eyes that could carry the moon. When I couldn't take the pain of missing him, I'd go outside and look up at the moon. Don't let them break you two apart. Na?"

He tried putting the soup on the table beside him and I rushed forward to help. It was as though I wasn't in the room because he quickly looked at Mongkut again. "My parents forced me to marry someone else. Neither of us wanted to marry each other but to cure me of my abomination they made us. After a while—we grew to hate each other. I wanted my love but he was gone. It wasn't her fault--but I couldn't help myself."

Wolf held his breath. Hearing his father hated his mother—sure, he'd suspected as much. But to hear it out loud broke him.

"Where's my son?" Anurak whispered as he seemed to drifted off to sleep. "I—khor tod, na?" He seemed to plead. "It was my fault. It was all my fault."

"What was?" Mongkut asked.

But Anurak had fallen asleep. We looked at each other and I tore from the room with Mongkut running after me. He didn't catch up until we were outside as I tried bringing enough air into my lunch.

"My father is gay," Wolf gasped. "My father is gay."

I hugged him and he simply crumbled to the floor. Holding him up was impossible as he was bigger than I was, so I sat on the floor and pulled him into my chest.

"I knew he didn't love my mother. But this..."

"It's going to be okay, P." I murmured to him.

We remained on the floor, time passing by like slow moving trains in the night. I wasn't sure how long we were sitting there. But I held onto him as long as he needed me. When he lifted his head, it was to frame my face and kissed me softly.

I helped him off the floor and met his eyes. "I'm sorry your mom wasn't loved by him. But you know something, you loved her. And there's nothing to a mother like her kid's love. You made her life worthwhile. You were the sunshine in her life."

"But she needed her husband."

"Yes. And I understand that." I gripped his hips and shook him so he would keep looking at me. "She had you. And she put all the love she couldn't give to him on you. It wasn't wasted. I'm sure if we could ask your mother today she would tell you that you are the most important man in her life."

Wolf nodded.

I hugged him again. "So, your mother may not have been happy with your dad, but she had tons of love from you. She was happy with you. Please understand the times back then was cruel. And I don't think your father had much of a choice."

Wolf fisted the back of my shirt. "Let's go home."

I wasn't sure he should have been driving but I allowed him to hold my hand and lead me back to the car. As he made his way through downtown Bangkok toward my father's place. I didn't want to leave him but Wolf insisted on being alone so he could deal with a few business things with Tar. By the time we arrived at my father's I noticed he was a little less gloomy.

The kiss we shared before we said goodbye would have to hold me over for a few days. Wolf was determine to figure a few things out and make some decisions based on his father's health and the business.

"Hold your head up." I told him. "If you need me all you have to do is call, I promise."

"Do you love me, Chang Noi?" Wolf asked.

I bowed my head. "Could we not label it?" I asked. "I want to be there for you. I need to make sure you're okay. You don't have to think about us until you're on your feet again. I can wait."

"We only have a week to go before we have to go back." Wolf told me. "I don't know if I can..."

"We don't have to make that decision now. A day at a time."

Wolf kissed my nose, then my forehead.

"I know it's going to be hard but get some sleep tonight." I told him. "Please?"

Wolf smiled at me. His eyes lit up when I leaned over to kiss him. He held the back of my neck and deepened the kiss.

"I'll try to get some sleep." Wolf promised.