THIRTEEN REASONS, THIRTEEN CLUES {Book 1 of the Violet Trilogy}

Second Reason, Second Clue

I stare at the words. Because you looked at me. What does it mean? Why did she give me so little information? Is it even meant for me? Somehow, I think it is.
I'm at my desk, reading and re-reading Myrcella's words. I try and find some meaning behind it; is it a trick with words? Should I know something else? Or simply, does it just mean she killed herself because I looked at her? Well, that doesn't make any sense. But why would she give me the note anyway? I mean, I think it really is from her, since her mother let me in and led me straight to her room. She must have set it up; told her mum that if a boy called Ezra arrives at the doorstep, bring him into her room. But how did she know I would come?
Oh, I don't know. I've spent all of yesterday in here, now I think I've going to spend all of today in here, and I haven't worked it out. Every answer I come up with has a loop hole in it; it couldn't just mean that she killed herself because I looked at her, it's too unreasonable; it can't be that it's a trick with words, I've stared at it for too long; and it can't be hat I should know something else, or she would have told me something, or at least her mother. Honestly, I just don't know.
Even though this is doing my head in I can't help but admire her wits. I mean, if I can't figure it out after all this time, it must be very witty.
I soon realise that I'm really tired from not getting any sleep, so I flop down on my bed and try not to think to much about it, but I can't help it.
Why would she give me the note? I've never done anything for her, really. And maybe I am meant to know something else; maybe she was meant to tell me the last day I saw her when she said sorry to me and ran off crying. Maybe she was too upset to end up telling me, so she left it, and I found the note anyway.
I remember her hazel brown, curly hair, and those gorgeous violet eyes. I remember as she sat silently behind me in History, doing her work peacefully and quietly.
I imagine myself sitting next to her at lunch time under a tree, her laughing and me staring at her. I reach for her hand and grasp it before she can take it away, and smile as she blushes and drops her head nervously.
But then she looks up, and her face is bloody and dead, and beneath her is jagged rocks and the angry ocean biting at them. Her eyes are open but seeing nothing, and her clothes are ripped and bloody. I take my hand away in fear, which I look at to find it dripping with her blood.
And around me are the rocks and the roaring ocean, and I don't know if I'm sitting or standing or if I'm even here. And Myrcella is staring blankly up at the skies, laying pale and deathly on the rocks. The ocean soaks her clothes and sways them peacefully, as if she's only floating in the air... But the blood gives it away. The blood that covers her now, that covers my hand...
And then I'm in my bed, swimming in a pool of sweat like last time I dreamt about her. I'm puffing, panting, and I remember my hand and lift it yo my face to check if her blood is still there... But there's nothing. I turn it around and check the back, but nothing, nothing. I try and tell myself it never happened, it was just a dream, but then I realise that it really did happen.
And that is what she must have looked like.
I stumble to my desk again and look at the note for the millionth time. Because you looked at me.
Oh, Myrcella, what have you done to me?
I begin to catch my breath back, slowly and slightly painfully. I continue staring at the note, until finally I decide I will go wash up.
I walk to the bathroom and stare at my reflection. I look just as I did the last time I woke dreaming about her; tousled hair and wide but weary eyes.
I brush my teeth and my hair, stare at my reflection for a bit longer to make sure I look at least a bit calm, and think about Myrcella's note.
The same questions, the same questions. Why did she leave me the note? Is it even meant for me? And a new question; if I figure out the meaning, what am I meant to do?
What if it means that it's my fault she jumped? Does she want me to feel guilty? And suddenly, I get a feeling that that is what it's purpose is.
I shake my head as if to shake the thoughts away, but it doesn't do much; it's stuck in the back of my head, nagging me relentlessly. It's my fault, all my fault, she wouldn't have done it if it weren't for me.
When I arrive back in my room I head straight for my desk. And my eyes fall over the new note.
It looks exactly like the last one when I found it; I tiny piece of paper folded up a million times.
My heart stops when I see it, then starts again, much faster than before. I look over my shoulder. How did it get here? I don't think anyone has been in my room, and the note wasn't there before I left. I would have seen it. So... Who put it here, and why is it here?
I grab it and unfold even quicker than I did last time I found a note. Every fold I open is like torture. Finally, I get to the last fold, and when I read it I swear my heart is going to rip it's way through my skin.

Because you smiled at me.