THIRTEEN REASONS, THIRTEEN CLUES {Book 1 of the Violet Trilogy}

Fourth Reason, Fourth Clue

My eyes bore into hers, and for a moment, I feel something. No, somethings. I feel hate, and I feel love.
I feel hate because I know she did this to me, and here she is, watching me mourn. What's more, she's watching everyone mourn; her family, and... Well, she never had any friends. But she's watching us all the same, and she's watching me now with those violet eyes. Can't she do something, anything? And if she can't, then she should have done something before she jumped to her death.
But I feel love because I miss her, and just standing here with her is somewhat a miracle. No matter how many terrible things she's done, I'm with her now, and there isn't any other place I'd rather be.
She smiles widely and wraps her hand around my arm, pulling me somewhere. I follow obediently, and look around to get an idea of where she intends to take me.
I'm shocked to know that we're walking away from our school. There's no one in there, I notice, and when I look at the surrounding street it's deserted too. But for some reason, it feels right.
Myrcella continues dragging me gently away from the school, and I still don't really know where we're going until she stops abruptly, right next to a wooden bench.
She turns to look at me, smiles, then sits down gracefully like she always used to. I mimic her happily.
Myrcella stares at me curiously. She so beautiful, there's no denying it. I think we sit there for a while, looking deep into each other's eyes. I'm so entranced by her, so when she races down under the seat for a second and pulls something out I get a very slight shock.
As she does this her gaze never leaves mine, and still when she locks her hand in my hand. I think it is a nice gesture until I feel a crumply thing in my hand and break my gaze with Myrcella to look at it. She pulls her hand out of mine so I can see whatever she has given me, and it seems to be another piece of paper, a note, a clue.
My heart leaps excitedly. Oh, how bad I want to open it.
And I do. The folds open for me, somehow, but I don't feel like that wasn't a normal thing to happen.
When the paper shows the words, I seem unable to read them. But they are right there, in front of me, I can see them... and yet I can't read them.
Myrcella gently eases the paper out of my hand and places it back under the seat. When she looks up again she grimaces, as if to say sorry.
And I shake my head. No, she can't say sorry to me, last time she did that look what happened...
But she only pulls me out of the chair and we begin walking, faster than I thought we could, and suddenly we're standing in front of her house.
I don't remember getting there, but Myrcella doesn't look like she thought that was weird. She just smiles again, then walks into her house.
And suddenly I'm in my bed, but this time I'm not puffing or panting. There's no sweat, either. I'm just laying peacefully in my bed, breathing normally.
I walk out of my room and into the kitchen, where I check the time. 8:30. So I have half an hour to get ready for school.
"Hey, Ezra," I hear my mum say from the refrigerator. I say hi back and eat some pasta from last night's dinner and go back upstairs to get ready.
As I brush my teeth and hair and get changed into my uniform, I think about the notes.
Still, the same question: What do they mean? The new note says Because you held my hand. I never held her hand before... except in a dream.
Yes, that could be it! Maybe something to do with dreams... or maybe she's leading me somewhere.
They can't be reasons she killed herself. She wouldn't kill herself because I looked at her, or because I smiled at her, or even because I held her hand. Or... maybe it could. Maybe she hated me, and when I showed affection, she hated me more... and then she killed herself, and she left me the notes to leave me to suffer guilt...
That could be it. But then, she would have gotten someone to leave the notes around for her; the note that was left on my desk that wasn't there before and the note that was taped to the mirror could never have just been left there by her before she jumped.
Someone is doing her bidding.
But I can't worry about that now. I need to find more notes, more clues... maybe the clues will lead to where she is, because she never jumped... but no, they found her body at the base of Shallow Ledge, mangled and dead.
Well, if the clues are going to lead me somewhere, I need to find some more. Where could another place be?
The bench! The one from the dream! She gave me a note there, from under the seat, but I couldn't read it and so she left it under the seat!
I tie my shoe laces so fast I don't even think they are tied, just knotted, but I don't care.
I bound out of the front door as I yell out to mum that I have to get to school, and forget my bag so run back in the house and grab it.
When I'm finally out of the house I run as fast as I've never run before, towards that bench near the school. I know it's a real bench, not just an illusion in my dream; I walk past it every day to get to school.
When I'm there I have to stop and catch my breath. Once I'm breathing okay I look around to see if anyone is around, someone who is placing the clues... But it's deserted like in the dream.
I reach down under the little wooden bench, and my fingers find something that feels a lot like folded paper.
I pull it out and unfold it, giving myself paper cut, but I don't care.

Because you walked me home.

And suddenly, I know that these are either clues to somewhere or reasons she left me.
Fourth Reason, Fourth Clue.