The Love Of My Life

Chapter 4 - Regrets

In a matter of seconds Joyce had fucked up the most perfect thing she had ever known. Hopper confessed his true love for her and instead of telling him she felt the same, she panicked. No words left her mouth, she just stared into his bright blue eyes. But those eyes lost all hope when she didn't muster any words. Her world came crashing down. She watched as Hopper's blazer sped of as tears filled her eyes. She sat in the diner and silently cried, trying not to attract any attention to herself. She tried to figure out why she couldn't just admit her feelings and lay them down on the table like he did. It was the biggest regret she had ever made.

Later that day Joyce had to pick Will up from school. She got there slightly early so waited in her green pinto for her son to leave the school. Finally she saw him walk out with Mike, Lucas and Dustin. "Hey mom!" Will loved his mom so much. But as soon as he got in the car he could tell something was wrong. "Mom, what's wrong?". "Nothing sweetheart." Joyce tried to convince him but Will knew better. After everything that had happened, he could tell when something was bothering her. "Well mom, I'm sure whatever it is me and you will figure it out. It's what we always do."  Joyce didn't realise how much she needed to be comforted so a tear slipped down her cheek when the heartwarming words from her son reached her ears. She wiped the tear of regret from her cheek before Will could see just how upset she was.

She drove all the way home without speaking another word knowing that if she did, it would be accompanied by a river of tears. Will didn't push his mom to talk about what was happening. Instead he just got on with his homework and gave her one less thing to worry about. Hopper was the only thing on her mind. She knew she had probably just destroyed him. She couldn't just sit at home. Joyce tried to phone Hop but no one answered. This made Joyce even more upset. That night she went to bed crying. The tears of regret soaked her pillow as she cuddled it for the slightest feeling of comfort. But it didn't help and she couldn't sleep. She kept replaying that awful moment again and again in her head, creating thousands of different scenarios that could be happening right then if she had managed to say three simple words. If she had managed to say the three words Hopper had managed to say, her world would be completely different. She would be in bed, lying closely to the man she loved. She would be able to feel his breath on her neck and his beard against her cheek. She would be able to feel his arm wrapped around her waist as he pulled her closer so he could kiss the back of her head. She wanted it so desperately.

Joyce didn't get a single bit of sleep. She just lay thinking of all the possibilities that could've been if she had had more courage. She checked the clock wanting the night to be over. The nights were the worst for Joyce. They were always filled with nightmares about Will's disappearance and Bob's death. Or the times Lonnie would beat her and threaten to kill her. She had added another nightmare to her collection that day. The clock read 4:30am. She couldn't bare it anymore. This isn't how she could live her life. She picked up an old police jacket Hop had given her one time when she was cold. He had let her keep it since he had so many. She treasured it because it smelt like him; his aftershave and Marlboro's. She threw it on over her flannel pyjamas as she grabbed her keys and headed for the door.