My Journey

Prologue

Today started like any other day, with me trying to go back to sleep. You see my family just moved out of a bad situation so our place of surviving is questionable, to say the least... We live in a small two-bedroom trailer in a trailer park. We have four people in my family including my Mom, my younger and older brothers, and me. Currently were all live in the same room, I'm not here to complain I'm here to ask you a question at the end of the chapter; after I explain to you what my situation is and the daily hardships of the emotional stress and pain I go through every time I open my eyes, I want you to answer in your own opinions, based on your own belief, your own backgrounds. Is this abuse?

Let's start somewhere close to the beginning, well at least what I haven't blocked out. I don't know if it's just me or not but; in my mind I can't really order my memories. The things I do remember are all jumbled up. This makes me absolute trash at telling stories and remembering things. So instead of organizing my mind by age or earliest memory recorded, it quite simply is separated from the good and the bad. So my next question; should I start with the good or bad? because ones going to be overshadowed by the other, or it could lighten the mood. If I start with the good and then go into the bad we'll get in a gloomy mood. But if I do the bad then the good... will the bad still overshadow the good or will the good shed some light on all the bad?

I suppose I'll hope for the later to happen right? Well to start with the bad memories, of situations and emotions that I can recall. One of which happened a long time ago; I don't know exactly how old but I was pretty young- My mom had just gotten engaged to someone who we thought was a good man. I remember how he proposed and everything. We went on a family camping trip somewhere local to the trailer park we were living at, at that time. In this time frame my older sister and I were the only two living with my mom, but also there were only three of us then and at that time I was still the youngest. I think our last night after they put my older sister and me to bed they said they were going to go on a walk on the trail behind us, and it was when then when he got down on his knee and popped the question. They carved their names on a rock and the next day they told us the news and showed us their names.

My older brother's dad got custody of him at a young age. Which in hindsight although my brother has had problems with his house there, he was also very spoiled. He quite honesty grew up with a silver spoon in his mouth, he never really had to do actual work and that really doesn't fly well in our house. Everyone has a job and everyone is expected to do it as close to perfection as possible, but my brother has never had anything of this caliber expected of him so, like many, he gives up before he tries so that at least when he disappoints us or anyone else that at least we were disappointed with what he refused to do instead of what he couldn't do for lack of skill. But another thing that's what separates us is he's never had to move a thousand times and he doesn't know how to or even what it's like to pack every single thing you own in 30 minutes and leave the place you called home or live in a trailer park. Until recently when he was kicked out by his dad.

Now I say his dad because we all have different dads, my mom has been in a total of two marriages and two other relationships that have resulted in children. My mom's first husband died from I believe a heart attack and resulted in my older sister. Then my mom's next relationship was abusive from what I know resulted in my fourth oldest brother and also in meeting someone you'll hear a lot about him in later times and different memories. My mom's next relationship she got married to him and had me, the marriage however did not last long, in fact it lasted just a few months and the divorce was finalized unfortunately on Christmas Eve. After me my mom had been a surrogate once, then another time after her last relationship which resulted in my youngest brother. Her first was a traditional surrogacy and the other was an IVF. And if you don't know what that means we're going to have a short adult time cause here are some words that can get manipulated and misused quite often; a traditional surrogacy- simplified is the surrogates egg and male of the receiving couple his sperm is used, and before asked there is no intercourse between the two. A surrogacy using IVF; is generally used in couples (married or not) where the woman is healthy enough to produce eggs but can't carry the child herself. IVF is a combination of the couple's egg and sperm and placed into the surrogate's womb. The surrogate was on different hormones to trick her body into thinking it was preparing for a baby already in the womb. And that concludes adult talk.

Now one person I have yet to talk much about is my dad. My dad had two sons in a previous marriage my oldest brother is 13 years older than me so there is a bit of a gap. After I was born I didn't meet my father until I was around three. When I was four he started dating his current girlfriend, she has a son who's about eight years older than me and to put it bluntly she's probably my favorite person who lives there. For many years of my life I was terrified of him, his house, and my family on that side. I had a good reason though, when you're there it doesn't matter what age you are you're mentally and verbally abused. And it's justified to them because as they say "We make you cry to toughen you up for the real world" but in reality it just makes me adapt my personality to go from being a hyper, extroverted, fun-loving little girl to a calm, introverted, never speaks unless spoken to, doesn't do anything without asking, guys I wouldn't even get water or food without taking two hours to build up the courage to ask in fear that I would be yelled at for asking or be denied basic human needs. Until recently when I learned to be more confidant with my words, actions, and needs. That is when I realized I was starting to be more adult. And how I started to earn their respect, I had to stand up for myself and learn to fire back, and now I'm considered an adult to them. Which I appreciate, I honestly do, because it's the complete opposite with my mother. To her I'm still a baby, who should not be trusted to make my own choices and God forbid I say she's wrong because she's the queen and she's never wrong.

And finally to close off the chapter my three brothers on that side. The first two oldest are from the same woman from my dad's first marriage. However when I was still just six, my second oldest brother was killed. There were some stupid mistakes made that night, under-aged drinking is what happened. He went to cross the road after he got angry and stormed away, but it was night and there was a car coming and well he's dead now... My stepbrother although our parents aren't married have been together long enough that we consider each other as siblings.

The last thing I'd like to share is a now bittersweet memory. One winter when I was maybe five I remember my two oldest brothers playing in the snow with me we even built a snowman. I remember singing for my second oldest brother when I was like five, it's funny to think of now I was so young I probably couldn't even carry a tune. Sometimes it's the bittersweet things you hold onto the most that means the most to you.

                                                                                -END-

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