I Shall Believe

Regret

May 7th, 2010 12:45 AM
I stayed sitting where I was at still looking at Danielle even after Amanda and her family had left which was about an hour ago. I tried to say Danielle's name but felt myself unable to do so and instead I shook her arm slightly hoping that it would get Danielle to wake up. I knew Danielle was dead but I just didn't want to admit it to myself yet as I shook her a little harder.

"Danielle..." I barely managed to get out my eyes completely red from crying so much as I just stared at Danielle's face.

Having been the only person in the room at the moment I heard footsteps getting closer to the room making me turn my head to see who it was. It was my mom who was looking at me with a worried look on my face.

"Maddie, sweetie we should get going now." She told me as she went up to me and put a hand on my shoulder.

I didn't say anything as I turned back to look at Danielle. After a few seconds I responded.

"Could you give me a minute?" I asked not looking at her.

She nodded as she lightly squeezed my shoulder.

"Of course sweetie I'll be waiting for you in the waiting room." She told me before walking out of the room.

I took a deep breath in and then let it out as I looked away from Danielle feeling completely hurt and ashamed about the way I've always treated Danielle and the others.

"I know that it's too late to say this and even if I had said it before I doubt that you would even believe me but I'm sorry, Danielle. I'm sorry for the way that I've treated you even though technically I treated Amanda and Abby crazier than you but still I'm very sorry." I said refusing to look at her and instead I was looking at the floor, "Of course I can only say this when no one can hear me." I mumbled to myself.

I normally wasn't the type of person to just come out and genuinely apologize for something that I had done so for me to be apologizing the way I was it was clearly stressing me out and I wasn't sure if it was because I was actually apologizing or if it was because Danielle was dead and wasn't able to hear me.

'Only good thing about this is that she's away from you.' I winced when the thought randomly crossed my mind.

I ran my hands through my hair before looking back at Danielle.

"I know that I was never really a friend of yours. I was only someone who you just had to deal with because you had no other choice and I'm sorry. I really wanted to be your friend Danielle but honestly I think I was too busy pissing Amanda off that I gave her more attention than I did to you not that you care because I think that as long as you had Amanda I don't think you would have cared about anyone else even if I had treated you girls better." I said making me really think about it and I realized that I was right.

Even with Abby, who was on way better terms with Danielle and Amanda than I was, I just knew that Danielle and Amanda didn't care as much about Abby as they did about each other. It was like they could hang just as often with other teens but it wouldn't change how close those two were with each other and I was surprised to find out just how jealous I was of their friendship.

"That's the one thing that I regret was that I never attempted to be your friend. All I did was just cause you problems and yeah there were a few times where it was just you and me hanging out and to tell you the truth I've always liked it when it was just you and me because it was different and I didn't have to constantly argue with Amanda because she wasn't there. Those were the few times that I felt like I could at least relax and just play whatever game I happened to have at the time." I closed my eyes and imagined the time when me and Danielle were playing a game at circle park.