I Shall Believe

Refusing to go

I watched as Amanda followed after Abby who for some reason didn't want to be around Amanda or me. I had a feeling that Abby was feeling too guilty about what happened to Danielle that I assumed that Abby just simply didn't want to talk to either one of us right now. I sighed as I ran my hand through my hair before turning my attention back to my game. I sat back down on my bed and continued progressing through the Beach race track. During the whole play through however it was obvious that I was distracted as I kept losing more often than I normally would. After losing for the tenth time I paused the game and rubbed the back of my neck still feeling stressed about what was going on.

'With Danielle gone and Abby feeling whatever it is she's feeling I think things are going to change a lot more than I thought it would.' I thought to myself as I obviously had thought about it before about what would have happened if one of my friends was suddenly gone though I never pictured it to be like this.

I always figured that it really wouldn't be a big deal if one of my friends suddenly died because it wasn't like I really cared about what happened to them let alone even like them though there were a few times that I did save Amanda's life which of course Amanda doesn't know anything about since I kept it to myself that to this day it made me wonder about why I really saved her. Now that Danielle died however it seemed as if it affected me a lot more than I'd like to admit. I just shook my head still unable to believe that because of the choice I made to not stop Danielle from going with her dad that it most likely caused not only Danielle's death but somehow I had a very strong feeling that I wouldn't see Amanda or Abby for a very long time once the funeral was over.

"Maddie, sweetie Danielle's mother just called to let us know about the time for the funeral on Monday." My mom said making me turn my head to look at her.

I swallowed shaking slightly.

"I don't want to go mom." I told her trying to hide how hurt I still felt.

She looked at me sadly.

"I know that you're hurting right now sweetie but this will be the last time that you will get to see her and it would mean so much to her family if all of her friends showed up to say goodbye." She told me.

"But I'm NOT one of her friends mom!" I said as I choked on a sob; my eyes starting to tear up from starting to get too emotional, "I never was a friend of hers. All I ever did was tell crazy jokes to her, her boyfriend and play games with her super best friend! Danielle is NOT going to want me there!"

To my horror I found myself once again unable to stop myself from breaking down as my mom walked into my room just as I started crying.

"I am so sick of this! This is not how I'm supposed to act! I'm supposed to act like I don't give a fuck and just continue to tell jokes to Amanda since SHE'S the one who is supposed to be the one crying not me!" I said as I felt my mom give me a hug.

"I'm sure you're wrong, Maddie. If Danielle didn't see eye to eye with you she wouldn't have hung out with you in the first place." She said trying to comfort me.

"That's because I made it to where she, Amanda and Abby were supposed to deal with me. I didn't give them another option." I admitted as I quickly went to wipe away the tears from my face, "I never gave them a reason to like me. I bet Amanda's wishing right now that it was me who had been killed instead of Danielle."

"Sweetie don't say that. Amanda would never-"

"Don't mom. I know my 'friends' well enough to know that they DO hate me especially Amanda. Now that Danielle's gone I doubt I'll be hanging around with Amanda or Abby anytime soon." I told her.

My mom didn't say anything for a few seconds as she started rubbing my back attempting to calm me down.

"Listen sweetie if you don't want to go we don't have to but I really think you're going to regret not going." She said.