Through These Creative Nights | Drabbles

Okay

She timidly closed her door, allowing the fan in her walk-in closet sized bedroom to cool the four corners. Slowly collapsing and sliding off the back of her door, she sit there in vain.

In agony, she looked around. Nothing new, nothing surprising. She closed her windows and shut off the curtains, so her neighbours couldn't see whatever she do at this hour on her own safe space. The longer the seconds pass inside the room, the more confusing but painful it is.

At first she felt nothing at all, then her head swarmed with so many thoughts and feelings that she couldnt tell what's each of them are about. Her heart suddenly clenches and all emotions started to burst withi nher. Blurring her vision and confusingly, she looked around trying to distract herself.

She can't understand whats happening, but when you result into distracting yourself, it just makes everything sadder on how you need to be busy in order to stray away from the feelings swirling deep inside you.

She turn the fan into its highest level of 3 and started to organize the drawing materials beside her she had prepare all along, because thats what her intention was. To draw. Her hands felt like it even though her mind have nothing. But when her dad called her downstairs to do and something, she's just so confused when she got back, sitted down behind her door, and oh look. She didnt even notice her own tears streaming down.

Lets draw. Lets draw. Lets draw. Like a chant to hypnotised her, it frantically shill inside her mind. So she did it, she grabbed her pencil and started to sketch whatever her hand felt like to do but all she ended up was a faceless, unrolled figure of hugging its own knees without even a body to begin with, only an closed pair of eyes, hands and knees. Thats it.

And the drawing is not okay. The character she had portrayed by her hands is not okay.

Okay so maybe she's really feeling down for this moment. But why? She cant understand ans she cant come up with any right answer. She indeed felt upset minutes ago but her conscience screamed it was nothing petty and its just her being iverly sensitive and over thinking about everything. But at the same time, she isnt. And she knows it.

The thoughts swirling isnide he rmind still did not vanish or even made sense, but it means one thing. She's going into an anxiety attack. Times like this, it goes unnoticed or either she's subconsciously aware of it. She hadn't had any attack for two months so far and she definitely hasnt cried this painfully for months. So whats happening now? Maybe it because of the frustration and all the upsetting things she had gone through these two months right? I mean she hadn't let it all out for a while , she's sure she just bottled it all up at this point. She's exploding. Her mind, her heart, every inch of her feels like breaking apart mentally. And its not painfully, not something her sense screamed to bear or someone will know something is happening but it still isn't okay.

She isn't okay.

Someone's knocking. Oh look, its her sister. She forgot for a second she shared her bedroom with someone, in her top bunk bed. How is she supposed to show herself at this state? She cant let anyone know. So she quickly wiped her tears acts like she's annoyed-- well she's kind of annoyed. How dare her sister go inside again when she has everything she needs outside already? What does she want? Maybe its just her panicking and not liking to welcome someone in again when she's obviously in a state she dont like to show anyone to.

After her sister went out to retrieve something even though she swear her sister did not brought out anything- she sat down again. This time, not crying, mind empty, looking around, calm and still as if she didn't cried two seconds ago.

She should be used to this, shouldn't she? I mean she went by this whole thing multiple times in her life already. Its like a mantra of a regular schedule within her body clock and emotions. But it was never okay anyway, the feelings were left lock back again at the deepest part of her heart-waiting for its moments to burst again and with new additions. The thoughts and blurry imaginations stilled inside her was now buried at the back of her mind. Everything was calm.

Calm.

The storm was now over whatever it was. For her, maybe it will go back again any time of any day, i mean, it always come back. It will always happen again. But thats fine.

Its fine. Its alright, its okay. Because maybe lots and lots of other beings out there had also gone through this. Right? Its gonna be okay.

Because for her, its okay to not be okay.

Because thankfully, the storm had passed within her. Its now gone. There's nothing to be afraid of again. She shouldn't be afraid to explode right? She's human, she's bottling up feelings. Its her fault anyway, she dont open up because she is scared. The thought of experiencing this all over again does not terrify her. After all, when it comes, it comes. With no warning and no signs. It just... it just happens and it just fades away. And thats okay. She can bare with that.

And thats alright. She's now alright.