wow...cindy, no | lgbt+

5 | part one

It's not exactly a beautiful Saturday morning as I bike along the 25th street, past New Horizon's Library. It's where I met Mara, four years ago, a few months after Dad's accident.

We lived at 23rd street at the time, less than one block away from the library, which made it a perfect spot to read illustrated books when I had some free time, or not. Not that I had many options available at the time. Now I can't help feeling that as a twelve-year old, I was probably too old to read them.

I suspect it was just my way to keep my grief at bay. It didn't last for a long time though, because the following year the pain caught up with me. And for every tear I hadn't cried, I saved five to weep later. I don't know what I would have done if Mara wasn't there at the time.

It seems like it's been ages since I last entered those thick doors of glass leading to the small hall that gives to the library's reception. I realize that the once bright yellow writing on the façade of the building reading Horizon is replaced by a more professional-looking one, bright orange in color and made of metal sculpted in cursive.

I wonder what has changed in the interior.

The sky rumbles. I haven't seen the sun since this morning and from the way the sky is darkening, I can tell that it will probably rain later in afternoon.

It's cold and I seem to be the only biker around the three blocks from home to here. I don't mind it though. If anything, I prefer to be alone when I am feeling out of place like now.

In normal days Mara would be here to keep me afloat, but since the math test she hasn't been looking that great.

I guess this is what I get for relying too much on people to be happy. I left home thinking I just wanted to get some air, but it becomes clear that what I thought was boredom was just sadness disguised.

You can't help but realizing that when you've already biked three blocks in the cold, but you still feel like you're choking.

I can deal with Lia— I have done that for a long time,

not having many friends at school,

faking confidence around the few people I talk to,

but how can I keep it together when my only real friend has gone silent on me? No calling, no picking up the phone or replying to my texts for the past three days.

It's obvious something is bugging her. After helping me deal with my shit so many times, the least she could do is let me help her too. So I can be useful in my life for once.

At this point, I'm biking with no specific direction. I know that I should stop brewing on my misery and pay attention to where I'm going. My goal is to help people and not cause them more problems after all.

I stop in front of a traffic light flashing red. When the light shines green, two droplets of water splash on my cheek and jacket.

I turn around the roundabout and quicken my strokes on the pedals, but when I'm in the middle of 21st street, it's already raining buckets on me.

A car is honking impatiently behind me as I tug my bicycle by the handles and pull it to the pavement. It's always bugged me how car drivers are so impatient with any other people who dare use the road: pedestrians, cyclists... you name it.

It's not like they weren't already going faster than anyone else. But I would rather get home washed down than not getting home at all. So, I get out of the car's way as quickly as I can, watching the car speed away. Like it's not even raining, since it's so cold and uncomfortable inside the fucking Mercedes.