「my boy」 | Johnnyboy

Healing.

Ponyboy's POV.

It was like being in a movie, only the reality of it all felt much more tedious and normalized than we've all been conditioned to think. I still felt like I was in a dream, trapped and incapable of waking up—but instead of unknowingly being placed in the situation, it was more comparable to a lucid dream. My wrist didn't get much time to heal up, but it turned out the injuries weren't as deep as everyone had been worried about. I had a few stitches, but a vein hadn't been punctured. I guess that makes me pretty lucky, under the circumstances.

It was a surreal kind of feeling that made me question myself more than ever. The positive part of me was happy about the fact that I'd survived so cleanly, but the rest of me desperately wished that the situation would've been more drastic. Perhaps even drastic enough for my lights to be permanently knocked out. I knew it was a selfish thought as soon as it crossed my mind, but it overtook me until I was sick with guilt and sorrow. I just wanted to feel closer to her; to feel what she felt, to be where she was. With dad's death, I'd locked it all in and hopped over it like the loss of a childhood puppy. It didn't take a doctor to make me realize that I'd internalized it so deeply, having not dealt with it at all. With mom, it was different. Everything had crashed, including all of these unresolved feelings about my dad, my uncle, every bad thing that had ever happened to me. Each emotion I'd locked away had been intensified until I couldn't hold it in anymore. I should've known I'd combust. I like to trick myself into thinking that maybe I subconsciously knew what I was doing and that this had just been an intense cry for help, but deep down, I knew that wasn't the case. I hadn't wanted help when I went to that party. When I stepped into that house, I wanted it all to stop and I'd been determined to do anything and everything to finally make that happen. Silencing the noise had brought a lot more pain to everyone around me than I'd ever wanted, but I hadn't been thinking of the consequences. I still can't even remember making that decision.

"I'll visit you every day." Johnny reassured me in the softest tone, pulling me into a hug that nearly suffocated me. Normally, that would've made my anxiety about this entire bakeract thing so much worse, but instead, this time it comforted me. I returned the embrace with just as much strength—or a little less, as I still hadn't properly gained all of my muscle back. The motion actually made me feel a little less anxious about this whole situation, if I'm being honest, but my heart was still painfully crashing against the cage of my ribs, reminding me that breathing didn't always come easy. Not when this much panic was flooding through your system anyway. The sound of my own pulse echoed through my eardrums like a weapon, drowning out nearly everything else. I heard more mumbles around me, or something that sounded like mumbles, but for a split second, I couldn't make any of them out. Tearing up, I sucked in the sharpest breath, my lungs aching with the effort. I buried my face into his shoulder, giving him an extra squeeze. He said he'd visit, but who knew how long it'd be until I had one of these hugs again? As though sensing some of my worries, or just because he'd picked up on my body language, he took the time to press a few kisses to my shoulder, squeezing me harder until we were untangling our bodies and stepping away from one another, giving us both time to breathe again. I said goodbye to Darry, who barely said a word. His eyes spoke louder than his voice ever could, but I couldn't bring myself to meet them. I was terrified of seeing that pain and concern; anger, disappointment, sadness, anything I was running from. I'd never been strong enough to face that stuff, least of all when it came to him.

"You better not go and forget us or I'm gonna be pissed." Sodapop teased with a dry laugh, his cheeks still damp from the abandoned tears that had already started to dry. His hands reached up to cup my face, eyes meeting my own with a somber vibe. He was getting a look at me before I left, but deep down, I also knew he was trying to read me. He wanted to know what I was feeling so he could make it better, like he always had since we were kids.

"No promises." He couldn't make it better this time, and even though he was smiling, I saw the heartbreak in his eyes, too, when we broke away. That left the four of us standing there for an uncomfortable pause, sharing a few final looks before it was time for me to go.

I followed a nurse to the front of the hospital, where a small van was awaiting my presence. Darry, Sodapop, and Johnny all lingered behind, standing outside of the hospital on the curb to watch as I climbed in and buckled myself into the backseat. I stared out at them through the window, flashing the faintest smile. As soon as we drove off, any traces of tender amusement or reassurance was gone, replaced with an expression that I could only imagine was almost as bland and tense as the emotions that tore my chest to shreds. I felt like I was physically on the verge of a panic attack, even more so now as I realized we were nearing the new facility, but I was surprisingly calm on the external front. Though it felt helpless and pointless right now, I couldn't help but think that maybe there was a reason all of this had happened. For a break in time, I was reminded that there could still be remnants of hope imbedded into the messy circus that was now my life. I silently told myself that this was just a minor blimp in my timeline and that things would feel normal again one day.

Maybe this journey would save my life, but I was fooling myself if I believed it'd ever be the same again.

AUTHOR'S NOTE;
what's up? I totally ditched this place for a while. I recently got back on my ADHD pills, though, & all I've wanted to do is write so maybe I can finally finish this some day. Anyway, I want to start editing this whole book ( because every time I read over it, I realize how many mistakes I've made or I think up various ways that I could make the chapters better ), so please continue to be patient with me. Thank you for sticking with this story and encouraging updates. Adios for now!