Mafuyu Kirisu x Liar!M!Reader

Chapter 20.5

[Y/N's POV]

The times I spent with you...all of that mattered more than any other day I walked without us ever seeing each other.

It's such a simple thing that I think it's almost unforgivable.

It became so foreign to experience such peace and wanting it to continue for as long as we're together.

I wanted it so bad that mere words won't explain what I felt.

What I wanted was simple in every sense of the word, I understood my own emotions better than anyone else, so I know my desires this much.

But now I sat in the dark, finding myself unable to stand or walk anymore.

If this is only the beginning, then I wonder of it's limits...will it end? I suppose so, though fate has never been kind to people such as I.

Does she know that I'm unable to go anywhere anymore?

Growing far and farther still, I taste nothing but the bitterness of this feeling and the sweetness of the cola I set near me at all times, to atleast let me endure this.

If I move far away, and just continue to move, it'll be myself, who is unable to move, that is forgotten.

I've always wanted to know what I wanted. But is there anything left for me to want?

Me, pressuring my own self who is still unable to move, it's like being in a nightmare whilst I was awake.

I wanted and kept wanting...

...me, who is so horrible, It was arrogant of me to want something that precious.

Once I made it my decision to chase it, masking it as confidence thinking I already have it, I was left behind and I lost all intention to catch up.

A sigh is all that escaped my lips, where once, it was laughter's exit.

The lips that throbbed in pain due to it's loss of skin...and yet, even with the pain it yelled, there's still nothing...

The flow of time isn't as obvious as it once was...only 3 days had passed, but it felt like it's been ages.

I crawled out of my blanket again, with the headache of losing every sleep I was graced with.

I am still unable to go anywhere.

The intentions were pure, I can't help but play along, it was then that I realized that I...

...didn't want to pretend anymore.

To understand and be understood is something I longed for, you led me, me, who has only himself to ask directions to.

I let myself be led, and led me you did, but the moment you disappeared, I was already lost with no hope in sight.

Again, it seems the night will be sleepless.

I ask myself: "Can I find the way out? Like I always do?"

"There is nothing that you can do right now." Is the reply of my own invulnerabilities that gnawed the back of my head.

I don't understand why I couldn't control myself anymore.

Warm meals we used to enjoy, the journey we have went through, everything we have done...

...I just don't get what they're for now.

It's so far that I couldn't reach, it felt like as if water is holding me back, even if my eyes dazzled as they did once more, I am sure, I still wouldn't be able to see.

Ah, she's not here, or anywhere, maybe I'll move far away? Farther than any place she could think of? I am still sure that if I moved far enough, it'll be my soon-to-be emotionless body that gets forgotten.

Looking at you, I felt as If I finally found what I wanted, what I desired...and also my weakest point.

I always tried to scream at you for help, but I also always failed, smiled, and masked it as confidence...to something I know I won't be lucky enough to have.

Screaming to be saved, I did, but I guess...

...there's no use saving garbage.

Positive actions that kept me going have long been halted, I wanted to run, but I am still unable to move.

"I don't understand anymore." Is what I understood.

My incomprehensible thoughts that rummaged my mind, I know I'll never be rid of them.

I am afraid of losing myself, it is so fearful that I wanted cry.

Looking at the mirror where I used to see myself, mistakes are what only reflected back at me.

Did I make the right choices? Was I so influenced to the point it obfuscated my own judgement? Or did I ignore them in favor of my own desires?

So shallow...

So pathetic...

So flimsy...

This horrible and confusing thing that I call "myself".

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Can you all dissect what's happening here? I am curious to know what's in everyone's minds.

I hope you all took Mod Ibuki's wants of killing a character seriously though...

He's allowed me to write the next couple of chapters that'll end both Y/N and Kirisu's character arc, so I better do my best in the next chapter/s.

Please bear with me as I am still in need of practice.

Good day! (◍•ᴗ•◍)
-Mod Komaeda