The Heart Grows Fonder (A Pen to Paper sequel) [N.H]

1.3 - Isabeth

*Three Years Ago - November*

Chloe's POV

'Hey, Izz.' I sigh laying down on the hotel room bed.

'Clo!! How are you? Where are you? Still in Barcelona?'

'No, I'm in Madrid now.'

'When are you coming home?'

'I'm not.'

'What do you mean you're not! You can't keep jumping from a city to another!'

'It's too soon! Niall is still looking for me! We almost ran into each other in Paris, the guy he sent to follow me almost caught me in Barcelona! That's why I can't stay in the same place for too long and that's why I certainly can't go back to London!'

'He's got a guy to follow you?'

'Yeah! I'm telling you! It's getting out of hand!! He wants to find me at all costs! I can't be in London. If I go to London or if I see him. I know I'll get back to him. It took everything in me to leave him. I love him Izz. But I can't keep doing this to myself. The paranoia, the panic whenever he disappears. I'm not okay, Izz. I need to take care of me before I can be with anyone else. Be it him or anyone else.'

'Yeah, I know... He's just worried about you. You left him with just a note. He doesn't want to give up so easily on you. He loves you.'

'You've been talking to him, haven't you?'

'Just a little...'

'Izz!! What have I told you over and over again! Do not talk to him!'

'I didn't tell him where you are! I'm not that stupid! He's just worried and I just tell him that you're okay and you need space and that he should leave you alone.'

'Yeah okay.'

'So are you feeling any better?' She asks hesitantly.

'I don't know. Too soon to tell. It's only been two months. I keep thinking about him every day. This is a lot, Izz. With all the issues I have and all the things that I went through. I never had to deal with anything like this. I don't know how to deal with anything like this. It's too much. I'm so tired of crying. I'm tired of thinking about him, about how he could be feeling right now. If I made a mistake by leaving. How can I know that this is the right thing to do?'

'Do you think you would've felt better if you stayed in London?'

'No. Definitely not. Because if I stayed in London, I'd either would've kept letting our relationship break my mind. Or I'd have to watch as I break his heart. I'd rather take care of my mental health first. Even if it meant taking the cowardly way out and leave without confronting Niall.'

'There you go. It's gonna take a whole lot more than two months! It could be a year? Who knows. But I know you can't keep bottling it in. Do what you do best. Write. Write about it, about your feelings, your thoughts. Writing is your perfect outlet. Put everything you've been holding back on paper or on a document on your devices, and leave it there.'

'You mean, I should use what I've been through to write a book about it?'

'Yeah! I mean it doesn't have to be a book but if a book does come out of it then perfect! Because you do need to publish something soon. Or at least tell your bosses that you're working on something and give them a sample. You can't lose that contract.'

'Yeah, yeah, alright. I'll write something. But I can't do that to Niall?'

'Why not? He writes songs about his personal experiences. No one cares who those songs are about. Same will be with your books. Why can he do it and you can't?'

'I guess that does make sense. Alright. I'm gonna get changed and get out of the hotel. Get some air, brainstorm for ideas.'

'Yeah okay. Please take care of yourself. I miss you so much.'

'I miss you too! Hey, if you can take a week holiday, maybe come find me.'

'Yeah! I'd love to! Oh! We'd go to Italy together! Last time you got upset because we went without you!'

'Yeah!! I'd love to do that!' I cheer, feeling excited about anything for the first time in a while. Then I sigh, 'I'll talk to you again soon. Say hi to the girls for me.'

'Yes, of course. Hey, are you gonna be okay?'

'I'm working on it. Don't worry. I'm still breathing.'

'I love you...'

'I love you too.' I almost choke trying not to cry again.

I hang up, change my clothes and get out. I take the train closest to my hotel and get off at a random station. A quick search on the maps app on my phone and I pick a place to have lunch in. After that, I wander around the streets, not really knowing where I'm going. I come across a coffee shop that doesn't seem too busy and I decide to rest there for a while. I get a hot latte and a piece of chocolate cake, I sit on a small table at the back on the shop where the light is the dimmest, and I pull out my notebook. 

I start writing down ideas and concepts that I want to include, events that I've gone through that I'd like to talk about. Once I got all I can think of for now, and since I don't have a clear outline yet and can't actually start writing anything for the book, I still pull out my tablet and start writing what I'm feeling. 

I miss you. I wish I can drop everything and go to see you. Hug you so tightly. Cry because I know you're crying. Try to make you feel better even if on the inside I'm broken. Then once you're doing okay again, it'll be your turn to make me feel better. Even if I know that you'll break my heart again. But no matter how many times you break my heart. And even when every time you do that I lose a piece of my sanity. I know that I love you and that nothing will change that. No amount of pain will change that. But I know I can't be with you right now. I can't function properly with you, because I'll always be waiting for that bomb to drop again. I want to believe in some sort of future where our paths cross again. Some sort of future where you dealt with your issues and I've dealt with mine. Some sort of future where I have faith in us working for good. Some sort of future where I know that you're not gonna drop me again. But right now, I don't think that that future will exist. I'm still broken, and you're still letting your past drive you and make you take drastic measures to bring me back to you, fully knowing that right now, I don't want to be with you. 

But even with all that. I miss you. I wish I could see you. I think about whether you're carrying on with your work, or are you letting your hair grow out, giving up on being fit and downing pint after pint. I keep checking your profile, waiting for a picture or any kind of news. I wish I knew how're you doing. But if I knew that you're not okay, I'm afraid that I'll come running. I can't help it. I hate to be doing this to you. But I have to do this for myself. I owe it to her. 

I pull my phone out and go through the list of apps. I don't have his number anymore. I can't reach him directly. Last time we were separated we indirected each other on Twitter. Maybe I can do that again. I just need to talk to him. I miss him. I stare at the blank page and think of what I could say. But then I realise. There's nothing I can say right now that can make him feel any better. I still don't know when I can come home. I'll just be hurting him more. I shouldn't say anything. So I pack up my stuff and get out of the coffee shop.