The Heart Grows Fonder (A Pen to Paper sequel) [N.H]

1.4 - Conor

*Three Years Ago - August*

Niall's POV

'Niall? Where are you?' Conor asks entering my flat.

'Where else would I be.' I roll my eyes as he walks into the room. 

'Ooh! What're you writing?'

'Nothing good!' I sigh hitting my head on the piano.

'Sure, break your piano that'll make the good songs come out!'

'What do you want Conor?'

'I don't know. Let's see. You come back to London after months of touring the US. You lock yourself in your house. Oh! Except when you go to the pub, get drunk, alone! And come back here.'

'Well? What do you want me to do? I can't find her anywhere! I couldn't deal with it before because I was on tour. You know the only way I can deal with my feelings is through songwriting. Plus I gotta start the album. I don't want to be away for too long.'

'Niall. You've been through a lot! It's okay. Give yourself a break. Let yourself deal with the pain. So she left you. So what? Life doesn't stop. And I know you want to distract yourself and keep yourself as busy as possible. But it's okay if you just stop, have a good cry and then move on.'

'I can't move on, Con. I love her. I will never not feel that way. I broke her. It's my fault she's gone. Once again, I ruined a person's life. The first time I was too inattentive, and the second time I was so paranoid and obsessed with my past and repeating it, that I repeated in an even worse way.'

'Okay... Even if that's true. You can't put so much pressure on yourself. Plus you can't force the songs out. You know that better than anyone else. It has to be natural.'

'Yeah, okay.' I sigh.

'What are you drinking?' He asks looking into my mug. 'Coffee? No. That won't do. We need something stronger.' 

I follow him into the kitchen. He pours a bit of gin in two glasses and hands me one. We down it in one go and then go back to the sitting room. I sit on the piano and take the guitar with me. Conor takes my notebook and sits behind me on the couch. 

'What are those?' He asks flipping to the last page on which I've written on.

'Just concepts. Ideas I want to sing about.' I explain playing random melodies, mumbling along.

'We flew high, you trusted me to catch you when you fall. But how can I catch you if I'm the one who let you fall...' He reads then flips the page. 'I found you when I wasn't even looking. I lost you because I was too scared to cause you pain. Now we're both hurt and even though I'm looking, I can't seem to find you.'

'Do you have to read out loud?'

'Those are not that good. No rhythm, no rhymes... '

'I know! They're not lyrics. They're just ideas. Once I find a melody, The lyrics will come to me based on those ideas.'

'Yeah okay... You know? It's not completely your fault.'

'How is it not my fault.'

'She knew what she was getting into. She's as much responsible for getting to that bad state of mind as you are. She kept pushing and she stayed with you no matter how many times you hurt her. She didn't have to come back to you. She knew it was toxic, but she kept coming back. It was her choice. Just like it's her choice to put her mental health first. She needs to deal with this. And she needs space away from you to be able to do that. You need to give her the space she needs. You can't keep looking for her and try to make her come back. She'll come back when she's ready to. No matter how long that might take.'

'What if she doesn't come back?'

'Look, mate. I don't know. I can't guarantee anything. And I don't want to give you false hope. But the way I see it, she loves you. And you love her. A love like yours doesn't die. So have some faith. She'll come back to you. And if you don't want to believe that, then move on.'

'She'll come back. We're meant to be together. This just a set back. We'll always find our way back to each other. And in the meantime. We get in a better relationship with ourselves. I work on forgiving myself for my past mistakes. She works on her trust issues and hopefully forgives me for breaking her heart three times.'

'Kinda puts a whole new meaning to "Third time's the charm"!' Con laughs.

'Huh. Third time's the charm. But like in a sarcastic way. I had to break her heart three times in order to realise that she's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and I don't want to panic every time we make a move forward in our relationship and trust that I'm not gonna hurt her because I'm not the monster I made myself to be. But in parallel, it took her three heartbreaks to give up on me... Give me the notebook!'

I quickly write down the concept, writing on the top of the page third time's the charm and drawing a big bold rectangle around it. I play a few different melodies until I find one that I feel is fitting enough.

A few hours later, I got a first version of a song. For the first time in a while, I genuinely feel content with myself. 

'So? What do you want to do now?' Con asks. 

I look outside and notice it's dark. 'Wanna go to the pub?'

'Like I'd say no to that! Let's go!'

'Great! You'll meet Eva! She's sweet. I've been going to the same bar before I went for the tour and I've gone there a few times since I've been back. I know she's a bartender and it's kinda her job to listen to customers whining about their problems... But I don't know. She makes you feel like she's really listening. I'd like to think we've become friends. Although she was a bit pissed off the first time I came back to the pub after the U.S. tour. Apparently she was offended that I disappeared without leaving a way to contact me. She told me that she was worried about me cause I was so miserable. But then she saw on the internet that I'm on tour so she got mad and wasn't gonna talk to me when I came back. But then I did come back so she felt bad for me because she knows I'm miserable so she decided to talk to me again if I gave her my number. So I gave her my number and we became friends.'

'Wow! She seems cool!' He says sarcastically.

'But she is! You'd like her. She has tattoos all over her arms and she's trying to be a vegetarian. She's basically a female version of you. Except she's probably not as obsessed with clothes as you.'

'Please don't tell me you're rebounding with her!' He sighs.

'Rebound? What? No! First of all, rebound suggests I'm choosing to move on, which is completely not true. Second, I'd never rebound with her! I mean she cool and she's nice and sweet and she listens to me whine. But she's definitely not my type.'

'What is your type? Sweet and innocent waiting to be fucked up?'

'Cheap shot.'

'You know I'm only joking! Come on! If you don't laugh it would just seem mean!'

'I'm not gonna laugh! It's a bad joke!' I argue.

'Alright... I'm sorry! I love you!'

'Whatever! Let's go!' I grab my wallet and phone and put on my jacket before rushing him out the door.

'So you're not gonna say it back?'

'Say what back?' I ask confused.

'Tell me you love me!'

'Why would I do that!'

'Because I'm your best friend!'

'Shut up and call an uber.'

'We're not driving?'

'I don't know about you but I'm planning on getting drunk.'

'Fair enough. So you're not gonna say it.'

'Fuck off Conor!'

'Close enough!'