Shaped Me

Truth Be Told

Chapter Sixteen: Manny

I didn't make the team. How could I have not made the team? I practiced that routine until it was perfect. I can tell you how many claps there were and at exactly what point in the music the body roll started. My dad has watched that routine more times than he probably cared too. I stayed up until two in the morning the night before practice just to make sure I started and stopped the moment the song did. I knew all the cues how could I not make the team? I even worked on my facial expressions. Ignoring the incessant buzzing in my pocket I finished helping Mr. Carlson arrange the classroom chairs for some book club he was having.

"Thank you for assisting me." Truthfully the only reason he got me to help is that I was too lost in thought to object. All-day I have been trying to shake not making the team out of my mind but it wasn't working. My phone continues buzzing in my pocket and I continue to ignore it. I haven't cried about not making the team but if I say the words out loud I just might. But it all seems so silly. It is just a high school team; it was not life or death. But I wanted it. I worked for it.

Grabbing my backpack and the gym bag I would no longer need this year I walked out of the classroom without saying goodbye to Mr. Carlson. He wouldn't even notice he was too wrapped in trying to set up. Maybe I could join the book club, I enjoy reading as much as the next person. I can read a book and talk about it with others. Maybe that could be my extracurricular this school year. Who knows maybe I can make some new friends. Squeezing the strap of my gym bag I turn back towards the open classroom door. It would only be an hour at the end of the day, an hour I would have been at practice.

"Come on team." Laughter flowing through the almost empty hallway pulls my attention to the group of girls. Shoes squeaking against the floor, I knew where they were heading. Damn it, I practiced that routine so much. What did I do wrong? Forget this, forget the book club. I just need to go home.

"Manny!" Breaking from the group, Janet races down the hallway towards me. I didn't even see her standing among them until she called my name. This morning when I realized my name was not on the list, I just walked away. Walking to my next class determined not to let this knock me down, but I would be lying If I said I was winning that battle. Sometimes I wish I were more like my mom. She would have known how to handle this. I bet she would have made the team. There was no question that she would have been the captain. "Manny,"

"Hey Janet"

"I'm so mad you didn't make the team. We should talk to Mrs.Santos and see if there was some kind of mistake. There's no way Kennedy made it and you didn't." I had already gone through that. Through the idea of walking to Mrs. Santos and asking what I did wrong. But then I also thought about how crazy I would probably look. Maybe I just wasn;t as good as I thought I was. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

    "It's okay, Janet." It wasn't " I'm happy for you." I am.

    It's a strange phenomenon, not being okay with something still being happy for the people involved. Or maybe I'm just lying to myself and nothing about this made sense and I couldn't care less about who it benefits. The selfish part of me wants to tell her exactly what is on my mind. But she hasn't done anything to me. Janet wasn't the one who didn't put my name on that list but how easy would that have been, then I could just deal with her.

    Staring at the girl who was speaking to me, I tried to listen but right now there's nothing she or anyone else can say to me that would make me feel better at this moment. I just needed time.

    "Hey Janet, thanks for checking on me but I have to go." There was nowhere I needed to be just wanted out of here.

    "Oh okay," I can see Janet's smile falter a bit clearly caught off guard by what I said. I should apologize. I'm sure she meant well. There was no reason for me to be mean to her. Waving bye to her I push my way out of the building. I do not want to have anymore conversations about not making the team or about this day. I just want to go home and lay in bed. Once I get to my room I can process everything and then determine how I'm going to deal with it. Dad would be proud of how sensibly I'm handling this. Instead of going to Mrs. Santos' off and asking her what her malfunction was.