Sekinat: Muted Voices

Chapter 27:Introspection

Eventually as days morphed into weeks and weeks into months the course of life's pragmatic pursuits, gradually began to take precedence over her own individual pocket of sorrow.

The deluge of commiseration and solace benefactors began to thin out at her doorstep, eventually she was left with only little Saratu and her dear friend Aishatu. It seemed quite ironic really, surprising to some even that the feat these hordes of commiserates failed to achieve, took only Saratu's innocent probing questions to do what seemed virtually impossible a few hours prior. The little girl's pure and engaging innocence somehow pierced through Sekinat's agony laden heart. And acted as ready catalyst which helped her out of the emotional doldrums she had been wallowing in.

She corralled all her thoughts, marshalled them into an ordered cluster and sectioned it off in her mind's recess. Where she continued to mourn all that she had and lost. She mourned her daughter, and mourned her husband. She mourned and questioned her fate and then mentally railed against the unfortunate set of circumstance, one which had placed first her husband and now her innocent daughter in the path of fate's wrecking ball twice in a lifetime. In a way the incident had firmed up her decision to relocate to Abuja, now she realised how important her overriding priority was to seek a much better life and opportunity for her only remaining daughter. Each time she looked into Saratu's eyes all that she saw were the uncharted potentials, vestiges of a dying soul and the intentional betrayal of her departed loved ones which all conspired to judge her hesitation, and reluctance to do the needful. She blamed herself for not embarking on the relocation prior to the sad day in which her daughter was murdered. Her tears and sorrow centred more upon her penance to Halima for failing her as a mother, and for betraying her dear Adamu's earnest wishes than for the death of her daughter.

Just a few days back while cleaning up their room she came upon Halima's battered notebook. Halima always treasured this particular notebook even more than her school books, where she catalogued her innermost thoughts. Although unable to read its contents, an intrigued Sekinat felt compelled to know its contents. She summoned her neighbour the teacher with the funny voice to help her make sense of the book's contents. And as he began to translate Halima's earnest musings and innocent thoughts, including the agonised debate about her dreams and aspirations. Sekinat felt a measure of tranquillity wash over her, a melancholy peace which descended upon her as silent tears coursed down her withered cheeks. A fresh release of grief accentuating the sense of loss she carried around in her mental subconscious. She now felt strangely at peace knowing her daughter was in a much better place.

When she returned home after the emotionally cathartic experience at the teacher's, she calmly reflected upon the contents of Halima's note book. A cornucopia of diverse thoughts danced in errant abandon, all within the safe and secure confines of her private thoughts.

She continued to hurt, to mourn but this time inwardly, mentally. She glanced at the sky its majestic blue blighted by a streak of emerging grey and recalled happier days gone by, a time when everything around her only reminded of how lucky she was with her family.

Sekinat recalled then recreated a sense of that indescribable joy an overwhelming contentment she had with her lot. But now the only memory these thoughts reminded her of did not even bear dwelling upon she thought sadly. She had nothing and was left with nothing. And just then little Saratu oblivious to her thoughts, giggled away as she played with her mother's hair. She mentally chastised herself as she smiled at her daughter's puny attempts to braid her hair without success. Sekinat still battling through her sorrow laden thoughts heaved a sigh of relief as she pulled her rambunctious daughter close and hugged her tight as her remaining daughter let out a childish squeal.