PROJECT NIRVANA | ONC2020 ✔️

Chapter 12.

We gazed at each other for a moment, but I broke off the eyed contact, looking away and biting on my lip. So it had been true. Avron's mother was the murderer. But what did that mean for us? What did that mean for our relationship?

A feeling of disgust settled in my stomach. I was dating the son of the woman who had killed my father. What kind of person was I?

"Look at me," he said. "You hate me, don't you?"

I raised my eyes to his face, unsure of what I could say to make this situation better. It wasn't his fault that his mother was a murderer, so it wasn't his fault that my father had died. But no coherent sentences came to my mind. I could only mumble.

"I...um."

"You don't have to say anything," said Avron.

I could hear the pain in his voice.

"You can't help but hate me."

"I don't," I blurted out before I could stop myself. "I don't hate you. I..."  My thoughts trailed off.

How did I feel about Avron? To me, he was just a boy I liked being around, potentially loved. But the circumstances were telling me that this wasn't right. We shouldn't love each other. We probably shouldn't even be friends.

"You don't need to say anything," said Avron. "Let me just tell you what I found out."

I nodded and waited for him to speak.

But he was silent. It was as if the words were stuck in his throat and he couldn't get them out.

"Our parents were having an affair," he said, the words coming out in a rush. "My mom and your dad. But, in the end, he chose to stay with your mother. My mom killed him after he refused to elope with her."

His face turned red and I wasn't sure whether it was out of anger or embarrassment. I guessed that it must be both, since I was feeling the same way. Tears dripped down my eyes as the horribleness of the situation settled into my mind. Not just a murder, but also an affair.

I wasn't sure whether it was right for me to mourn my father. Not after what he had put my mother and I through. Maybe his death wasn't a tragedy, but karma? What if fate was just paying him back for what he had done? But in the end, I just felt sad. I wished I could meet him even if it was for a moment.

"My mom told me to break up with you," I said. I hadn't t wanted to share this particular piece of information with him, yet I wanted to hear his own opinion. Did he think she was right?

Avron nodded his head, running a hand through his damp hair. "We probably should. It's for the best..."

"But I can't do that."

Avron seemed startled as he looked at me. "Why? Isn't it uncomfortable now that we know the truth about each other?"

"But we didn't do anything wrong," I retorted. "Why must we go through that? Why must we suffer?"

"You don't have to do anything wrong to suffer," Avron replied.

"I really want us to overcome this," I said. "I want us to at least try, but if you don't want to..."

"I want to."

Avron took my hand and held it in his. "I want to work this out."

As I looked into his eyes, I could see a sliver of hope surrounding the pain. Maybe if we had faith in 'us', there would be a way out of this dark tunnel. We might not be able to find a solution, but we could try to accept each other despite the circumstances.

Avron reached out his hand and tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "I don't want to give up on us, but are you one hundred percent sure? Won't you be tormented every time you see me? Every time we're together, you'll remember your dad and what happened to him."

"I'll just try not to think about it," I said. "If I focus on the present, what hold can the past have on me?"

A tentative smile formed on his face. "I didn't expect you to react this way. I didn't even expect you to open the door."

"I'm brave now," I replied. "I'm not who I used to be."

That was when Avron leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine in a soft kiss. I closed my eyes, savoring the moment, feeling the warmth of his arms wrapping around me.

I kissed him back, expressing the emotions that I had been unable to communicate in words. It felt as if I was floating on clouds, safe from a world of murderers, despair, lies, and simulations. All that mattered was that we had each other, whether we were in the real world or in Nirvana.

He smelled like newly ripened fruit and fresh pine, as if the sweetness of nature had clung to his skin. It reminded me of long walks in the park, a vacation to the beach, hugs, and smiles. I embraced him, breathing in the comforting scent.

Slowly, we pulled away, unable to remove our eyes from each other, our hearts moving at a fast rhythm. I blushed, suddenly overwhelmed by an unexpected bout of shyness.

It was Avron who broke the awkwardness.

"Can I sleep here considering...well...that a murderer lives in my house?"

I laughed and hit his arm playfully. "You can definitely stay. I assure you that there are no murderers lurking around this house."

"What about ghosts?"

"I'm afraid I can't guarantee that there aren't any ghosts," I replied, standing up.

Avron stood up from his seat and together we went upstairs.

"Is your mom asleep?" he asked, as we passed my parents' bedroom.

I nodded. Knowing that he was probably relieved that he didn't have to meet her just yet. I couldn't imagine how guilty he might feel despite all of this being caused by his mother.

We entered my room and I slumped on the bed while Avron made himself comfortable on the floor below me. He lay on a pile of blankets, using one of my old backpacks as a pillow. I worried that despite the carpet, he would feel cold down there.

"Are you sure you want to sleep down there?" I asked. "It looks kind of uncomfortable."

"I'm fine," Avron replied. "Your bed is too small and I don't want you getting any strange ideas."

I raised an eyebrow. "Strange ideas?"

Avron let out a quiet laugh. "You might not be as innocent as you look. First I'll have to assess how wild you are."

"What do you like about me?" I asked after a moment. It would take a while for me to fall asleep and I was curious.

He was silent for a while, so I knew he was thinking carefully about his answer.

"You try to be honest as much as you can. You're always seeking out the truth even if it's painful."

I turned on my side and spoke to him.

"I like how you're always thoughtful about others. I feel like I can depend on you."

"Let's focus on the good things," said Avron. "So we don't get blown away by the bad."

"Yeah," I agreed. "Let's do that."

I listened to the steadiness of his breathing and the music of the night. The hooting of owls and chirping of crickets mimicked the tones of a sweet lullaby. Recognizing the safety and warmth of this moment, my eyelids lowered and I eventually drifted off to sleep.