Running Away Solves Everything

Elvis

“Hmmm!”

“What’s smelling?”

”The person that messed, let thunder scrape his or her bum bum.”

“No, let his bum bum swell up.”

“It was Constance!”

These comments make me open my eyes and as soon as they open fully, I find my class in utter chaos. I knew the peace wouldn’t last. From how Sahad is screaming and Ade is looking disturbed and Nneoma is shouting at everything and everyone and how Constance is using her tie to cover her nose, I know what happened. Someone just farted. And just as I figure that out, I smell it too.

Constance, still with her tie over her nose, pinching it with her fingers says, “No it wasn’t me! Shut up, Caleb!” Her voice is now squeaky and more disgusting. I don’t say anything, and I just smile until I’m accused from the other end of the class.

“Why are you smiling Elvis? It was you, right?” Fat Tomi says this and I’m just feeling everything but anger. “Elvis dealt this!”

I stand up, showing off my primary school boy athletic body by mistake. “Fucking shut up, fool. We all know you’re the one with the gas.” I turn to the rest of the class, almost bursting in laughter, then back to Tomi. “Are you sure you know how fat you are?”

Then, Dotun says, “He doesn’t know! Elvis, let’s sniff everybody’s bum bum,” and I reply, “Why not?” just seconds after I spot Nneoma giggle at what Dotun said and cover her mouth immediately.

The class is surprised about that performance and they actually agree with me and Dotun until I reach Constance and she says, “Who will smell your own?” and as a passing thought I reply, “Class Prefect.”

“No. I want to smell your own.”

I don’t know how to reply to that, so I just don’t look at her face again and continue with my duty of sniffing out the criminal. This is the hardest job I’ve ever taken on and I’m proud. I’ll tell Emelie everything tomorrow when we’re at school for Saturday lesson.

I’m so carried away by my duty, so I am not really sure what’s happening at the other end of the class where Dotun is. I think he wants to sniff Mercy’s butt, but she won’t agree or he’s trying to pass, because he doesn’t want to and she won’t let him, but then I hear Mercy yell, “Pass the front!” and I know it’s neither. Her voice is strong, deep, you wouldn’t know she was a girl.

“Mercy, just shift.” Dotun is really struggling with Mercy and I’m scared for him and of Mercy’s muscles, so I don’t rush.

“Pass the front. You won’t die. And there’s no space at the back.” He should know Mercy is stubborn, and she wouldn’t change her mind without a fight. Does he want a fight? He tries to over power her, pushing her closer to her desk and I can tell that’s a mistake. Kunbi, with her eyes wide open and biting all of her fingernails in fear tells me that.

“Just move the chair.”

The chair actually moves and Dotun tries to squeeze himself through the tiny passage he made until Mercy stands up and he stops moving. Why did he stop? As Mercy is up, she drags Dotun back two feet from his collar. Emmanuel, Ese, Sahad and practically the rest of the class are laughing at that and I wonder if Dotun has any friends. Anyways, the disgrace got him vexed, so I’m walking towards them now. Mercy’s slightly taller than him, so I guess that’s why she’s not even scared a bit. They are the same complexion; super black and both furious, but right now, Dotun was probably more angry, and Mercy was probably feeling like a champion. The table turns, as he slaps Mercy’s hand off his shirt and pushes her with his two hands and she falls on her desk, screaming in pain. I think Dotun was about to hit her. His hand is up, and he forms a fist ball and it’s now moving to Mercy’s head. He is. Mercy’s almost crying now and her eyes are half-open, half-closed, so I don’t blame her if she doesn’t dodge the punch.