I'm always the one to make sure others are ok.
I make sure that I tell them that they're beautiful
That they are loved
That I'm here for them
I've always been the helper, never the one getting help because I don't know how to ask for it
And people always assume that I'm ok
I'm not
I want to be
For once in my life I'm trying to be
Trying to mean the smiles that I put up
Trying to understand what exactly being happy means
Trying to feel the emotion that has always evaded me
Even in relationships I was always the one to just listen, never telling the other about what I was going through. I wanted to.
I just didn't know how
In relationships I ....
I think I might have been happy?
But I can't be sure
Maybe that was just stupidity
I found myself smiling without wanting to fake one
Maybe in those few fleeting moments, I felt happiness
But didn't know it
I listened to every word they said
And helped them through whatever was happening
I didn't want to burden them with my problems
Even after they broke up with me I was still there, helping
Helping even through I was so much more broken than before
But I realized that I was just feeling that same hurt
Repeatedly when I was around them
So I stopped talking to them
I blocked them on social media
I blocked their phone number
And haven't talked to them since
Which might be petty
But at this point, I was tired of always being the good guy
But when we were together
I didn't want to ask for help, I didn't want them to leave because I had issues, I didn't know how to bring up the subject
I still don't
I keep myself bottled up
And the glass just slowly cracks, cracks that run all along the bottle. It lets out tiny streams of water that over flow but never breaks.
Because when I cry, I sob
I sob and it feels like hours have passed but it turns out it was only a few minutes.
So I don't know how to 'let it all out'
But that doesn't matter
I don't matter
I'm tired of thinking that
I want to believe that I matter
I want people to tell me how much I mean to them instead of just telling them how much they mean to me
I want to know my value
Because I don't even know if I am valuable
I just want people to check up on me like I check up on them
I want people to ask me how my day was
I want them to compliment me and build me up just like I do them which I know is fucking conceited probably, to say a compliment and expect one in return.
All I want honestly, is to feel loved.
Loved by my friends
Loved by my family
Just loved
All I want is to just be loved
All I want is love
