Merry Sister Mary: Two Can Play That Game

2: Sister Mary Makes a Hasty Retreat

Run for the hills is an expression often used when a natural disaster occurs and higher ground yields the safest place to be. In my case, as I stood there watching my sisters gaze at me with displeasurable eyes, a natural disaster occurred deep within my vestments. Had I not felt the warm soup trickle down my leg and the sudden heaviness in my loins, I might have joined them on the steps of St. Clare's Monastery with a welcoming smile, a pep in my step, and a soulful tune in my heart. Instead my face twisted in horror, my nose puckered at the stench I'd created, and the song in my soul rang out like the boisterous off-key warbling of darling Mrs. Miller butchering the words to "Downtown." Of my one chance to make a good first impression, I did what any person would do when a fart betrayed them. I ran for the hills.

My gallop down the street was a disgusting mix of confusion and shame. Here I was no more than five minutes into a new city and already I had desiccated the sidewalks of New Orleans. The birds swooped down upon me to protect their nests from the revolting nun who hath invaded their sanctuary. I twisted and yelled and tumbled through bushes. The cries of Sergeant Leblanc faded behind me. My sack, my dirty flopping sack, swished beneath me in the most uncomfortable way. I squeezed my thick thighs together, swatted at the birds, and prayed that angels and saints and any manner of divine spirits would make a miracle of me, deliver me from this unholy torment.

"Oh God, oh merciful God," I screeched while wheezing on a street lamp. The birds thankfully had fled allowing me to catch my breath. "Blessed mother and holy ghost, I shit myself. Why, God, why?"

I hobbled past a yard where two girls jumped rope. Their happy faces and blond pigtails bounced with each leap of their tiny feet. When they noticed my presence they stopped their merriment and stared bewildered at my sweat drenched face. To them I must have appeared to be a black hooded monster crouched over, clutching its stomach, and screeching with anguished fury. My arm shook as I reached out towards them.

"For...the love.. of God...toilet... paper... please," I pleaded in short and unintelligible croaks. The girls dropped their jump rope and rushed into their home searching for their mother.

"Mommy! Mommy!" I heard them cry as I proceeded past the open gate. "There is a scary nun lady outside."

The mother came rushing out. Her angry gaze fell on me.

"Off my property!" she yelled as her two kids hugged her back legs. "I said get!"

Not wanting to be arrested for terrifying children I quickly scampered around the next corner. Not paying any attention to where I was going, I bumped and knocked over a beautiful woman passing the opposite way. From her arms books scattered across the sidewalk, and she fell gracefully to the ground.

"Oh my," cried the woman.

"Jesus, Mary, Joseph!" I uttered, almost falling myself. The woman gazed up at me in shock. "Are you hurt?" She shook her head. "Here, let me help you up." I brought the woman to her feet. Of the books scattered on the ground I saw many children's halloween books, one about the proper care of camellia plants, and the final, an intriguing guide on codes and ciphers.

The woman had on a blue Chanel suit and pillbox hat decorated with a fake camellia flower. She bent down to collect her books; her nose now level with my lower region arched in displeasure as the smell slowly permeated the air. A slight awkward nervousness escaped her lips.

"My, my," she coughed. "Pardon my suddenness. I was not paying attention to where I was going. Would you forgive me, dear sister?"

"The fault is all mine," I said with an uncomfortable smile. I tried to clinch my butt cheeks to avoid any further smells from leaking out.

"Are you lost?" she asked while taking a step back. "You don't sound like you are from around here?"

"I'm merely on a quest for the holy grail. It's porcelain, filled with water, flushes on command, have you seen such a relic?"

The woman giggled. "What a quest that must be. If you excuse me, I must be going. The children at the Crippled Children's Hospital are expecting me. I read for them you see. The poor dears."

"Yes, what delightful little beasts they are."

From behind me, the approaching sounds of heavy boots scrapped along the pavement. We both turned to see Sergeant Leblanc out of breath.

"Sister Mary, what has gotten into you?"

"The earth shook and two mountains tore asunder," I said, pointing to my bum. "A disastrous occurrence, indeed, that needed immediate attention and evacuation."

"You must get back to the monastery so I can get back to work."

"I am not your responsibility," I snapped, straightening my back. It was at this moment Sergeant Leblanc noticed the other woman standing there with her arm full of books.

"Excuse me, ma'am," he said, raising his hairy upper lip and placing his hands on his belt. "Is this nun bothering you?"

"Certainly not," she responded. "We actually startled each other. That's all."

"Yes," he said nodding. "She does have that presence about her."

The woman reached out and shook my hand.

"Well, it was a pleasure to meet you, Sister--"

"Sister Mary," I said, squeezing the woman's hand. "Merry Sister Mary."

"What a creative name," she responded. "Jacequline Wickman, and a pleasure to you as well officer. Now if you don't mind, I will take my leave."

The woman dipped her chin and continued down the sidewalk to the large hospital not far away. Sergeant Leblanc rubbed his sweaty neck.

"Now, you've done it," he sighed. "I should have never involved myself with you."

"Whatever do you mean?"

"Do you realize who you bumped into?" He said, pulling me away so we were no longer in sight of the well dressed woman. "That is New Orleans's top socialite, Mrs. Wickman. You could almost say she has her hands in everyone's business and every major organization this city has to offer. Her husband is a state senator and is currently running for Governor of Louisiana."

"Oh you don't say," I chuckled. "What a fine figure she was."

"And someone you should definitely avoid if you know what's good for you. If anyone could run you out of this city quicker it is her."

"Hmm," I said with a smirk. "She is troubled."

"What?" Leblanc looked at me confused. "No, she was startled. I would too if a nun smelling like you knocked me down. Anyway I need to get you back to the monastery, and when that is over, I hope I never have to escort you again. You are more trouble than you are worth."

"Why would Mrs. Wickman, a woman so keen on keeping up her appearance, fail to wear her wedding ring?" I lifted my thick palm into Leblanc's face. "There was a thin white line where a ring once was, and of the books she carried two seemed odd to me. Definitely not books you would read to children."

"Sister Mary, not everything is a mystery. Please don't go meddling in other people's affairs, especially hers."

"Fine then," I said. "But before I present myself to my new sisters, I need to take care of my undercarriage. I soiled myself."

Leblanc sighed.

"Of course you did," he said grabbing my shoulder. "I'll let the nuns know you need to clean up first."

"Oh, you're so kind to me." I hugged his strong arm and felt his muscles tense at my touch.

"Consider it my good deed for the day and a thank you for saving that kidnapped girl's life. Just promise me you won't do anything else foolish."

"You're no fun." I said. "But if you insist I will do my best to resist."

Together we walked side by side down the sidewalk back towards St. Clare's Monastery. We passed by the yard where I had frightened the children. Their mother stood on the porch tapping her foot and sending me a scowl of the utmost disrespect. I smiled, blew a kiss, and waved at the darlings with my middle finger poised in the air.