the boy on the bridge ✔️

54. forgive boy

Chapter 54 — forgive boy

"Hey," Elliot breathes out heavily, hands in his pockets to keep them from shaking — not only because of the chilly weather, but because of what he's doing.

He looks around for a few moments, trying to compose himself, to not back out, and go cowering back into his room. He has to do this. He should have done it a long time ago, but kept putting it off. He even tried running away from it, and for a while it seemed like it was working, but little did he know how naive he has been. There's no running away, and there is definitely no escape, not when what he is running from is part of himself.

"I don't know what I'm doing here actually," the curly-haired boy scoffs, shaking his head. "I mean... I mean I know what I'm doing but... I don't know, I just don't know," momentarily he just feels silly and starts backing away, but stops himself.

Elliot has promised to himself he is going to try and make progress, not go back. He takes in a deep cleansing breath, then lets it out. He repeats the process a few times and when he feels somewhat calmed down, he turns around again.

"I'm sorry for not coming sooner," he relaxes and says the first thing that comes to his mind. After that, the words just pretty much flow out on their own. "I wanted to, I really did. There were so many times I would get out of the house to come here — I even made it until the gate there once," he points at the entrance as if it would prove a point, then drops his hand, sighing at his own stupidity — it isn't as if he was going to be able to see it, but continues on anyways, "but I just couldn't,"

As the words flow out, his tears do too.

"For the first few weeks, I was just angry — at you, at mom, at dad, at Stanley, at myself, at literally everyone and everything. I was so mad I almost broke my hand couple of times, trying to punch a hole through the wall. Remember when you said that I was too soft, that I probably couldn't even throw a proper punch and end up only inflicting more pain on myself than my target — turns out to be true. I even kind of accidentally punched Stanley two days back; he didn't even feel the pain all that much," Elliot laughs quietly, wiping the tears.

"I wasn't the only who was angry. Mom and dad were too — all they ever did was fight, they couldn't even to be in the same room for even ten seconds without going at each other's throats. And seeing that only made me angrier," he shrugs. "But beneath all that anger, there was just... big, old empty. There was just this void that was endless and none of us knew what to do with it,"

"I went to Jules' after that. I just couldn't deal after you. It was too hard. It seemed like there was no ending to all this hurt and I had to just get away. And so that's what I did. She was kind enough to let me stay there — I mean it's Jules, when was she not kind, right? Of course I had no idea what I was going to do or why I was going there. I was just..." he shrugs again, shaking his head.

"But then the most bizarre, peculiar thing happened. I mean I went there totally hopeless, useless, fucked up, but then I'm there and... I found hope, but not for me though, it was for a total stranger," the curly-haired boy chuckles, recalling the past events. "And that stranger grew to be one of the most, if not the most, important person in my life. I found love — it's so surreal, even saying that out loud, but I did,"

"And I was.... happy. Like really, really happy — I don't think I've ever been that happy in my life. It was like I was permanently floating," he blows out air through his lips, shoulders slumping, "But um.... Stanley came over one day and... he told me. About you," more tears accumulate at the corner of his eyes, "Why did you not tell me? I could've been there for you like you were there for me — you know I would've supported you," Elliot tries to swallow away the lump in his throat but it just stays there.

"I just... there's so many questions, so many doubts, so many things I can never know now, and I just don't know what to do with them. I'm so mad at you, but at the same time I just miss you so damn much. If only you came to at least one of us for help, then maybe you'd still be here. It would've still been okay — we would have been okay," he exhales shuddering, wiping the tears that just keep falling down his cheeks, no matter how much he tries to hold them back.

"I left him, the boy I love back there, just because it didn't feel fair. It felt wrong that I was able to live my life however I wanted when you couldn't. And so I left him, and came back here," Elliot chuckles softly although there is no trace of humour in them, "I can see you shaking your head at me in disappointment, and just rolling your eyes. It was stupid, I know that now. But that's not the only reason, if I'm being honest with myself,"

He takes a deep breath before continuing, "Lately I've developed this... looming fear of abandonment, like eventually everyone is just going to leave me. I think it started when mom and dad kicked me out when I came out; yeah, they took me back in — but for a moment, I thought they never would, and I was just scared you know. And then all of a sudden you... were gone, just like that. After you, Stanley disappeared too, no goodbye, no nothing, he just took off. He did come back a few weeks later, but he still left, you know. And now mom and dad are getting a divorce — dad's already got his own place. Mom's talking about moving someplace else,"

"Everyone leaves. And sooner or later, he's going to leave me too — so before he could do that, I left," Elliot groans, covering his face, "God, that sounds so stupid. It's just, I don't know, I wasn't thinking. I just took off. I told him I love him and then I took off. Such an asshole move, I know. And don't worry, I'm going back. I just hope he will forgive me," he takes in a deep breath, before saying, "I wish you were here, so you guys can meet,"

"Anyways before I go, there's just one last thing I had to do and that's why I'm here. For so long I've been blaming myself for what happened to you — I'm not going to lie, I still do. But I think it's time that I stop, and move on. Or at least start trying to do so. And part of me has been just mad at you, and although I can never understand your actions, I forgive you. I forgive you and I'm going to let you go because I love you. I wish you were still by my side, brother, and I will never forget you — I mean how can I when we share the same face," he laughs, and then keeps quiet just staring at the piece of stone that is supposed to represent his brother.

Letting out a relieved sigh, he kneels and touched the cold stone, he closes his eyes and imagines that he is holding his brother's hand instead. That brings a small smile on his lips — he opens his eyes, "I love you, Elian, and I forgive you. I hope you can forgive me too,"

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