i think i love you • matthew healy

11. dim

rhiannon

i lied.

i'm not doing better without matty. that's just what i want him to believe. what i want myself to believe.

in fact, i think i'm doing worse. my life's finally got direction, sure, but emotionally i'm just as fucked up as he is. and that draws me closer.

i just want him. everything about him.

it's fucking me up.

ross and adam are sleeping over at george's flat since it's closer and they're basically wrecked, and since matty's going home with his perfect beautiful rich girlfriend and they're probably going to have passionate drunk sex, i figured i should tag along at george's just so i won't have to come home alone and have that imagination playing in my head.

matty's friends seem really happy about my decision, and it makes me think that maybe they really do miss me and want me around sincerely.

though maybe they're just drunk and are feeling their emotions too much.

hell, i'm fucking drunk.

i don't remember us leaving the bar nor do i remember entering george's flat. i just remember throwing my head straight to the toilet to throw up.

my head's still spinning.

i miss matty and i desperately want to give him a call. but i know i shouldn't.

—

george

ross and adam had crashed on my bed the moment we got inside my place, and rhiannon's still in the toilet and i can hear her puking her brains out.

my head's feeling all woozy but i walk to the kitchen to get her a glass of water.

"here." i say as i enter the bathroom to see her head full of hair peeking into the toilet seat.

rhian takes the glass from me, so i proceed to i sit on the bathroom floor by the doorway, staring blankly at the empty ceiling while i wait for her to finish.

i should probably get my lightbulb replaced. the light's gone a bit dim.

rhian starts throwing up again. she purges it all out for about a minute straight before she falls back on the floor.

she smiles sadly, pulling back the strands of hair away from her flushed face. "thanks, george. you always cared about me. i'm a shit person, honestly. it's really unfair."

i blow air out from my nose. "you're not a shitty person."

rhian looks at me with a dead glare and laughs softly. "okay, G. keep that fantasy of me in your head, will you?"

i open my mouth to say something light to ease the situation but she grabs me by my shirt and i just freeze.

rhan wraps her arms around me and buries her head on my chest, making it heavier than it already is.

she starts crying.

"it doesn't make sense." she whimpers. i gently rest my chin on top of her head, because at this point this is all i think i can do.

thing is i want to have her like this. i want her around me, i want to be there when she's all fucked up and frustrated.

this all doesn't make sense, and i hate myself for it.