OUT OF THE RED ↝ dave grohl

sixty-five.

FEBRUARY 22nd, 1992, HONOLULU, HI

REAGAN SAT ON the ledge of her hotel room window, staring out towards the white sandy stretch of beach and crystalline blue waters of Hawaii. It was hard to believe that just the month before, she had been in New York City drinking in a very different view. It was even harder to believe that this was very much the epitome of her new life.

Her forehead was halfway pressed against the window's cool glass. She could see glints of her own reflection intermingled with the seaside staring back at her. In that reflection she could analyze every detail of her green eyes, though they seemed blank, lost in a void of thought.

They shouldn't have looked that way. From Reagan's perspective, she should have been overjoyed in that moment, sitting in Hawaii, happily pregnant and reunited with Dave once again. In a few days, Nirvana's Nevermind tour would be over. Dave would return to Seattle and finally, finally, they would have time to prepare for the baby — Gracie's — impending arrival.

Hearing Gracie's name in her head brought Reagan a great deal of comfort. Just a few weeks prior, she had felt her kick for the very first time, a gentle thud of rhythm beneath her ribcage that had jolted Reagan into alertness. She had cried buckets of tears afterwards. She had also been alone, but that had been alright. For the first time, she had truly felt like she was someone's mother.

The moment had been an exciting one to share. Kate had cried too and Chris had been in awe that something alive was kicking around inside of her best friend. Even Dave had looked past the unfortunate circumstance that he had not been there to feel his daughter's first kick; instead, he'd celebrated with Reagan over the phone, relieved to hear that their baby was healthy and growing.

Everything had been totally joyous within those passing weeks. As Reagan progressed further along in her pregnancy, she had felt more confident than ever before about the direction her life was heading in. The fears that had plagued her in December seemed far away and she was more content to focus on the future. It was a future filled with Dave and their baby and a precious gap of time in which they all three would be together.

No gray clouds could have drifted into that picturesque outlook on life until Reagan had received a phone call from Courtney two weeks after their initial meeting in New York. Breathlessly and through a bout of excited tears, Courtney had announced to Reagan that she was pregnant.

The news had been shocking, nonetheless. Reagan had stood gaping by her telephone, feeling the palm that held the receiver grow slick with sweat. She'd managed to choke back her surprise in order to congratulate Courtney, who seemed thrilled to be telling her the news. In a way, Reagan had been touched by the sentiment. Her and Courtney's friendship, though still flourishing in its early days, had grown stronger through phone calls and faxes. Courtney was enthused to be Reagan's friend, especially since she was the wife of Kurt's bandmate. This alone had automatically enhanced the intensity of their developing bond.

But, none of that had stopped Reagan from feeling blindsided by Courtney's sudden pregnancy. She didn't mind that she and Courtney were both pregnant at the same time — if anything, she imagined that it would be nice to talk about the ups and downs of the whole experience with someone — but she couldn't help but to think back to the moment in which Courtney had confessed to her upon the stairs of St. Patrick's Cathedral that she, along with Kurt, was using drugs.

Reagan hadn't been the best at math in school, but she could do enough basic calculations to conclude that Courtney had already been carrying her baby that day, the same day that she'd vented about her and Kurt's complicated relationship to heroin. Reagan had feared the worst, but of course it had been Dave who had calmed her down.