when ciaran and i got to the table, the vibe already was intense. joba was biting at his cuticle, the blood dripping down from his pointer onto the lunch tray. ian had his head in his hands while matt had his on ian's back. merlyn, dom and romil were staring off into the distance, kiko and jon on their phones, nick and hk whispering to each other. the want to turn around and just sit in the bathroom was tempting, but ciaran grabbed my hand. the look of comfort made me ease somewhat, but the pit in my stomach was continuing to sink down. "bells, it will be ok. i promise. it's just..." he looked over at ian, and sighed. "everyone is going through a lot right now. when we explain it to you it will all make sense." ciaran smiles and pulls me toward the table. joba looks up and smiles, his eyes refusing to match the expression. he taps ian on the shoulder as matt sits up straight, eyeing me with a look of sadness and hesitant caution. ian blinks the sleep out of his eyes, not noticing me until they guys bid me a hello. ian locks eyes with me and continues to stare, as if challenging me to do something to piss him off. "hey, bella." he says. my face flares up due to the eyes on me, and the feeling of being unwanted. the awkwardness and the pain of not knowing what to say was making that pit drag down slower. "hi ian." hk clears his throat. "ian, she's fine. she is someone we can trust." ian looks from hk to me, then to matt. "is this true?" matt nods, a puzzled look on his face. he doesn't quite understand where the hostility is coming from, i think. "dude why are you being sus? bella is ni-" ian cut him off quickly. "because i got my fucking faced pounded into the fucking concrete, matt. you see the blood puddle drying up everyday when you enter this shit school. so pardon me if i'm having a hard time with wanting to talk about my well-being and what's going on with me to someone that i've met once."
for some reason, the words didn't hurt as much as i thought. i get it. it probably was embarrassing to have so many people watch that happen, and then having this random person show up in his friend group when he got back to school was a bit uncomfortable. what did hurt, though, was feeling nick stare at me the whole time while i was being shunned. ciaran put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed, trying to make me feel better. the only thing i could think about was what i can do to let ian trust me, and feeling nick watch as ciaran was touching me. "ian, i think she is a trustworthy person that won't tell anyone anything. right, bella?" joba said, testing me. i nod my head, making eye contact with ian. "i promise i won't tell anyone. if it makes you feel better, i wanted to stop the fight, but my brother didn't want me to get hurt. that fucker deserves to get hit with a baseball bat. no one should be bullied for being someone they truly are." ian smirks and chuckles. i didn't know if that was a good sign, and clearly the boys didn't because they all looked at each other with concern. the wind started blowing the hot humid texas air around us, making the suffocating atmosphere more claustrophobic. "so clearly you know i'm gay because of the slurs they were making." i nod. "what are your thoughts on gay people, before i explain what is going on?" the guys look at me, waiting. i look over at ciaran, who seems nervous as he nods for me to go on. i take a deep breath, and then look back at ian. "i love people. i don't care about sexual orientation, race, religion, political beliefs or disease if they have a good heart. i don't even care about it if they don't. i think those things are what makes us who we are. so, to answer your question, i love them. because i'm not fully straight either, if i'm being honest." ian's eyes widen, as the other boys look at each other in shock. "i'm bi, man. i'm not judging anyone." ian grabs my hand on the table and squeezes. for the first time, he smiles genuinely at me. "it's nice to not feel alone," he says. but with the tightened grip on my hand, i can feel a warning. "but it also scares me, because that means there is another target if this school finds out." ciaran puts his head on my shoulder, his beard scraping my neck. nick is staring at the side of my head, but i ignore. ian takes a deep breath and leans back, letting go of my hand.
"basically, bella, my mom found out what happened. she, as of the rest of texas, isn't fond of gay black men. so she threatened to kick me out. she slapped the shit out of me and told me that i was a sin of a man, and i didn't deserve to be in this house. she told me to sleep somewhere else for awhile. i packed some of my things, left, and called nick. nick told everyone here what happened, and so they came and hung out with me to make me feel better." nick and the other guys had a solemn look on their faces as ian told his story. ciaran was breathing slow, head on my shoulder still but i can almost see the facial expression of anger and sadness on his face. "so i'm sorry that i took them from you and left you alone, and i would have had them bring you with them if i would've known, but i think they all were cautious as well." i smile at him, trying to hold back the anger and tears that wanted to spill out. ian smiles back and laughs. "you don't have to say anything, but yeah. that's what i'm going through." i tap ciaran's leg to make him get off of me. i stand up and walk over to ian's side of the table and look at him. "give me a hug, dummy. you have a new friend now, and i want you to know that you are loved and have me to go to now, too." as he gets up and wraps me in an embrace, i make eyecontact with nick as everyone else is clapping. in his hazel-green eyes, there is a well of tears, pain, and happiness. i smile at him, to let him know i understand. as he smiles back, a tear glistens in the mid-afternoon sun.
everything feels at peace.
well hello there. listen, i know it's been a minute. i hope you like this chapter. i hope you all are doing well, and i hope you all know that i am here to talk if you need. love ya dummies.
b
