~Emily~
I felt a sudden drop in my stomach. As Alice and I sat next to each other against the couch on the Curtis' living room, I had this weird feeling in my gut that something was about to go terribly wrong. Again. As if Johnny's death weren't enough.
Their phone suddenly rang, which caused me to jump.
Darry picked it up. "Hello?" He was quiet for a moment. "Dally?" He listened to the other end. When I heard who it was, I ran over and tried to hear what Dally was saying, but I couldn't make anything out. The only thing I was getting was his voice. He sounded very panicked.
"We will be there soon." Darry said frantically, and hung up the phone. "The fuzz are after him. He needs us to help hide him, we gotta meet him at the park!"
All at once, everyone stood up and hurried out the door.
I'm no track star like Ponyboy, but somehow my adrenaline pushed me to sprint faster than the others. I just know something bad's gonna happen, I can feel it.
I reached the park with everyone still a few feet behind me. I saw Dally and circled all around him were police officers with their guns all at the ready, the sirens blaring in the distance.
"Stop! He's just a kid!" I heard the gang's screams behind me.
But we were too late. The rain blurred my vision and all I could see was Dally, the officers, and blue and red flashing lights.
I can't even explain what came over me now. I felt my legs moving toward my brother, but it was like my brain didn't tell me to go, I just did.
I knew the cops would shoot any second. Somehow I ended up right in front of Dally, when I heard screams. I couldn't tell if they were my own, or someone else's.
A loud gunshot sounded. My ears were ringing.
I didn't feel any pain.
My vision blurred.
I guess this is what death is like?
But I saw no white light. I saw no one, or nothing, trying to pull me in.
I've never been very afraid of death.
For a lot of people, dying is one of their biggest fears. But there is only one thing that is certain in anyone's life, and that is that eventually, the life will end.
So if it is my time, then I guess I will go. And dying in the place of someone you love is for sure a good way to go.
My biggest fear has to do with death, but not dying myself. I'm afraid that the people I love and care about will die, and then where would that leave me?
It occurred to me that Dally probably got the fuzz called on purpose. That he just did something to get shot on purpose, because he didn't want to live anymore. Everyone knew that Dallas Winston wouldn't make it very much longer. I had hope, but something always told me he wasn't strong enough to stay. Not even for me.
But why? He's stronger than I am. He's tuff and infamous Dallas Winston. Why could I take it when he can't?
And that's when I knew. Johnny was really the only thing Dally loved. And now, Johnny was gone.
That hurts, that he couldn't hold on for his own sister. Dallas doesn't love me. He resents me.
But dying in place of him was not an act of love on my part. Yes, I love my brother. But getting shot? I did not do that for him. I did it for me.
I couldn't live without Dallas. Like how he felt like he couldn't live without Johnny.
Dally was all the family I had left. If he were to die, I just know I would do anything to go with him.
And if he died and left me here, in this big world, all by myself? I would end up like Dallas is now. Empty. Without Johnny, without anyone, he was empty. Even I wasn't enough.
But my brother is not like me. He was cold, and emotionless.
I remember the words he said to Ponyboy on the drive to the hospital which was only a few hours ago but felt like a lifetime ago.
"You get tough like me and you don't get hurt."
But my brother was not tough. He was broken and didn't want anyone to fix him, which is why he ended up the way he is, and there's nothing I could do about it, but for some reason he held on for Johnny. But now that he's gone, he stopped trying to pretend like he was tough. His "toughness" is what almost got him killed.
So what would it matter to him, that I'm the one dying? He would've left me anyway. I wouldn't want to be here without him. And he wouldn't care that he was leaving me. He only ever cared about Johnny. It hurts so much to know.
To know I've never had any family who truly loved me. Not my mom. Not my dad. And apparently, not even my brother.
And now everyone will think I died a hero; but in truth, I died selfish. A selfish coward.
