The Space Between Us

9 - Opening up

Sunday 12th april

They had been messaging all day about all sorts of topics, Noah seemed to be doing well despite his grandad dying so Afia was happy to keep him company and his mind off reality. He was currently telling her about his emotions.

Noah: Well I've always felt like I don't have the same idea and spectrum of emotions like 'normal people do'. For example when my great grandmother died, I remember sitting there at her funeral after carrying her cask in noticing that everyone around me was crying and I wasn't but I didn't know why. It's not like I didn't love or care for her, i loved her very much, some of my most childhood memories were of being around her but still I couldn't cry as hard as I tried to force myself. I always felt like such a terrible person for that, like I betrayed her in a way. Even when she was dying of dementia, I didn't go and see her because I couldn't stand the idea of looking in her eyes and knowing that she didn't recognise my face anymore. So I never even got to say goodbye. That's just something I'll have to live with for the rest of my life. Sorry that got a bit emotional

Afia felt herself softening at his memory, she could imagine a smaller version of him feeling lost and not knowing what to do trying to force tears which couldn't come. Grieving was done in many ways, not everyone cried.

Afia: Silly don't be sorry, if I could give you a hug right now I would, I'm glad you opened up. How old were you?

Noah: I think I really need that right now. Thank you, I was about 14 when she passed. My great grandad died the same way the year before so it was a really tough time

Afia: You know what It's better that you didn't force cry because that would've been fake and not genuine. Everyone mourns differently. Tears aren't the only way, you're still mourning mentally so you did feel something and you were a teen so it must've been difficult. Did he have dementia as well?

Noah: Honestly thank you for saying that though you really don't know how much that helps me. Yeah it affected him really really badly. He became very violent. He was like a completely different person in the last couple years. It's a fucking awful disease

Afia: It's okay if you want to feel upset, it's nice when guys open up and aren't afraid to share their emotions. Just saying what I think so I'm glad it helps but don't dwell on it too much because we can't change the past, just remember the feeling for the future if you're ever faced with a difficult situation like that to ensure you don't make another regret. I didn't know dementia did that, that must've been hard. Were you okay though? You can stop this conversation at any point by the way, I won't hold it against you

Noah: Yeah you're exactly right and that's what I've had to tell myself ever since. Dementia is just one of the worst things you can ever go through, you could be fine on day and in a years time not even recognise your mother's face And the worst part about it is that it doesn't just affect you directly but everyone around you

Afia: I can imagine, but what can you do when it's old age and you can't stop it. It'll make people feel hopeless

Noah: Literally nothing there's no cure and they know so little about it Except it's basically the deterioration of the communication signals in your brain So it just starts misfiring and eventually gives up on itself. It's weird to think about because your brain is literally everything about you so once that goes you're kinda done

Afia: That's true and it's just downhill from there but we'll have to go through some shit as we age too. No ones really immune to it whether it's age affecting the mind or body. It will take its toll mentally or physically. Also I'm not the best at consoling so apologies in advance

Noah: You can have the most amazing healthcare out there but time will get all of us in the end. The only thing guaranteed in life is death and taxes. No at all, I feel very comfortable opening up to you surprisingly like I never ever do this so thank you for just listening. Well reading I guess haha

Afia: I feel like we've dived into a pool of negativity and it's getting deep but it's interesting so we can carry on. No need to say thanks honestly it's fine, life isn't easy. I'm sure we've both got stories of negative times we've already experienced and more will come. Out of curiosity do you actually cry? I'm not saying you're a statue but are you comfortable with the act or rarely do it

Noah: Na honestly never, like I can get upset but never actually cry, do you?

Afia: Hm do you think it's healthy tho? Don't force yourself to cry but having an emotional outlet defo helps. I schedule in crying times as odd as that sounds, so I'm usually quite happy and positive but I know when I'm getting a random mood coming along so if I haven't felt sad in awhile I'll just pick a sad drama to start watch in to get the tears out of my system and be okay for the next few weeks again.I hate opening up in front of my family whether it's crying or hugging, we don't do that so it's a private thing

Noah: I think being able to accept the feeling of being upset and recognising that emotion is very healthy but I don't think physically crying helps that, I mean maybe it feels like it does for some people so if they feel like they need to then more power to them. Hahaha aww that is so cute, are these times when you're feeling stressed? How do you know whether a drama has the potential to make you upset enough?

Afia: I hate feeling stressed like the first hint of it makes me mentally put out a hand in my mind saying no to the upcoming stress like go away. So no it's not that, I hate cliche lovey dovey shit but it's also a guilty pleasure so I'll just watch cute romance stories and think 'that's so cute' and have a cry haha but defo agree, we need to know ourselves and our emotions

Noah: I'm literally having to hold my eyelids open with my fingers to write this message. Thank you so much for just listening to me go into all that it really means a lot. Hope you sleep well when you do, goodnight xx

Afia: Also have to add that I find guys opening up hot so if you ever did cry don't be ashamed because I'd probs jump on you for opening up emotionally haha but hope you have a good rest too xx