Torn // Poe Dameron

28. Disaster

I went to the medbay, got my wounds taken care of and changed into my usual clothing. With every step I take, through the grey corridors or dark rooms, my hate for the resistance grows. They tricked me and turned me against my brother. Once more I feel abandoned by my mother. If anything they were using me for my powers.

Now I sit in Hux' office, together with Kylo, to report what happened. I told them about the Resistance base and the Kemahsenium, how we had to flee to Tatooine and lived there for a while until the Rodian kidnapped me and sold me to slave masters. I recalled how I was sold and shipped off to Geonosis, how we were humiliated and then the fight.

"I'm afraid they have brainwashed you but it's good to have you back, Commander" the general doesn't even look up from his datapad, not to mention his bored, unimpressed tone.
"Anyways. The Supreme Leader requested your presence. Both of you."

My eyes wander to Kylo, he is concerned, not that I could read his expression through the blank mask but I feel it through our bond.

I get up, push the chair back and turn to exit the office.
While retelling everything that happened, I fell the warmth teasing my body and I start thinking. I felt warm, happy, at ease, it felt right. The light felt good. Love. No matter what the resistance told me, lied to me-- ugh, I don't even know anymore-- my feelings couldn't be wrong, could they?

I still love Poe. I-

"Don't worry"
"I don't" my response shoots out of my mouth, "My allegiance lies with the First Order" I continue as he doesn't answer, not believing me.

We continue walking in silence.
"It's probably just a routine check-up, right? To reintroduce me and inform us about further actions" I start to think aloud, unable to hide the nervous unevenness in my voice.
I turn to look at Kylo, hoping to find reassuring brown eyes. Instead I meet his cold mask.

I wish I had a mask, a mask to hide the anxiety on my face and alter my voice to absorb every little shaking. Only portrait authority and power.

"You can have one, if you like."
I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even notice him slipping into my mind. After I presumably ignored his response, that everything was going to be alright, he must've gotten suspicious.

I simply hum in response, we have entered the elevator that brings us a few levels down.

The door opens and we enter the throne room, an enormous chamber veiled by an opaque red curtain.
Snokes holographic image located on the throne.

We both step closer before we kneel down. The Supreme leader already speaking.

"I see you've finally returned" his booming voice echoes through the room as he compliments Kylo on his job.

"A lot has happened to you in such short time, conflicting your mind, since you've found out the truth."

I shut my eyes and inhale deeply. The light. Immediately, I feel his force in my head, no time for me to block my thoughts, it wouldn't work anyway with his immense power and it would only rise his suspicion.

There is only one thing I manage to conceil from him. My feelings for Poe. No matter how much I hate the Resistance, I can't hate Poe.

"Hatred, anger, rage" he sounds almost satisfied, for a short moment before he continues, "I see your mind. I see your every intent! Yes, I see the concern, the light" he spits out dangerously.

"How is it possible for you to embrace the light in such a short time?"
"It wasn-" Kylo starts to speak but is cut off as Snoke raises his hand.

"I fell for a lie, Supreme Leader, that wasn't me. My allegiance lies with the First Order." The first words I speak since I've entered the throne room and they sound confident, much to my relief.

"Don't tell me, show me. Rise above what's holding you back. Strike. Strike against the light side that is within you."

"Yes, Supreme Leader" I fear I'm losing my newly found confidence.

"I assume you will start training soon. Your training is not finished"
"We will start tomorrow" Kylo answers.

"Very well then. You two are dismissed"

Back in the elevator I start breathing again.
"It wasn't that bad"
"No, it wasn't" I say, somewhat grateful that I'm accepted back after my little excursion to the enemy "Thank you"
He only nods and we part ways.

It was an exhausting day and all I want to do is lie in my bed. My bed. Yes, this is my home, not some shack on Tatooine or a room on D'Quar. This.

My hand lays down on the pad next to the door and it slides open. There is my room. I step inside, the darkness swallowing me whole. No matter where I go, the darkness always follows me. Maybe I shouldn't run from it but embrace it.

A few steps further, placing my boots in the corner and opening the closet to take out and change into more comfortable night wear.

I reverently rub my fingers along the silken mattress. I fall down and press my cheek to the cool pillows. The comforter is thick and irresistibly soft, like a billowing cloud. I topple into it, relieved to rest my weary feet. Warmth and darkness envelope me.

I want to sleep and finally rest but my running mind won't allow me and my body hates me for it.

I think back to the nights on Tatooine, when I used to repeat my story in my head. It wasn't half as confusing as it is now. What's making my head spin are the transitions, from Resistance to First Order, from good to bad, light to dark.

Technically, everything the resistance told me isn't wrong, but Kylo is right. I belong here. My outbursts of rage are testimony to that.

Some people are born good and always fight off the bad. Some people are born bad and become good through great effort. Others are born in light and fall to darkness. And others are born in darkness and cannot see the light.

Try as you might to believe otherwise, everyone fits into one of those categories.

I know what I am.

During the last weeks I realised the life ahead of me is one of anger, hatred and power. Of darkness.

Do I want that?

Yeah. I do.