Torn // Poe Dameron

30. All out of catastrophe

"Poe?" I breath, thinking my eyes are playing a trick on me.
"Izzy" a small smile spreads over his face and he comes closer to the cell bars, allowing light to shine on his face.

"You're alive"
"I guess. What happened to you?" I question, concerned as I see his bruised, bloody and dirty face, misery drawn all over it, except for his still sparkling eyes.
A sound similar to a laugh leaves his lips, "What happened to me? What happened to you? You were gone after the raid, I looked everywhere for you. How did you get here?"

"I- that's a long story. Wait a minute" my hand runs through my dark hair. I think for a moment before I walk through the next door, only to return with a cup of water, a little food and a wet towel in my hands.
I set the cup in front of the bars for him to take and pass him the food through the metal bars.

Poe gulps down the liquid and takes a big bite as if he hasn't been eating for a few days. I put my arms through the bars and wash the dry blood off his face. He mumbles his thanks between bites and his eyes land on my hand.

He grabs my wrist and looks at my bruised hand, which I quickly retract.
"What happened with your hand?" Concern sparks in his voice and a crease settles between his brows.

"Nothing, I-" I sigh "I punched a wall" i mumble almost unintelligibly.
"Why?" Next to the frown a little smirk settles on his features.
"That's not important. So how did you end up here?" I try to change the topic, glad about the possibility to forget my weakness.

"After I escaped the Cantina I looked for you in the streets but couldn't find you so I figured I should return to the homestead in case you would do the same. But you didn't. So the next few days I searched the city for you. Unfortunately for me the First Order did the same thing and I was captured."

All I can bring out is a dumbstruck "Oh"
"I'm sure your story is way more interesting than mine" he muses.
"I guess" I mumble, thinking back. It is not something I'd like to be reminded of but he deserves to know the truth. So I tell him about Rinmaru and the smugglers, the slave masters, Rennek and how I got sold at the slave market amongst others, how Wafia and I ended up on Geonosis and what we had to do for Ikro. I tell him about the fight, the beast and how the First Order came to rescue me. I tell him about how Wafia died and I escaped. Me torturing and killing Rennek is a detail I spare him though.
I recall Kemi flying me back to the Finalizer, although that is not what I wanted.

"I wanted to look for you. I wanted to get help from the base and search for you" a sad smile pulls the corners of my lips upwards.
"Well, we both ended up in the same place" I can't help but smile at his words.
"True"

"Izora" his face sinks in itself a bit and his eyes cast to the ground. A certain tone underlines the way he says my name and an uneasy feeling spreads through me.

A small "Yes?" is all I'm able to press out.

"Are you back with the First Order?" He sounds hurt and looks down at my clothes, an obvious indication that I'm not a prisoner but live in my own quarters.

"I-"

Before I can form an explanation the door to the corridor opens and a Stormtrooper walks over the black tiles.

"I got to go" I whisper and stand up again "I'll come back tomorrow" I cast him one last smile before my expression changes back to dark and authoritative and I leave.

Almost intuitively I wander back to the ships main area but no matter how many steps I distance myself from him, the smile inside of me won't fade and as soon as I'm out of the prison wing I feel it creeping onto my features . He is alive. The uncertainty about his well being was torture but now I know he is alive and we are even on the same ship.

As soon as I saw him all the anger and frustration slipped away and I forgot about my worries.

A thought poisons my happiness.

We are on opposing sides now, he is a prisoner and I am part of the First Order. I can't even begin to imagine how complicated everything will get.

Although I am back with the dark side, my feelings for him haven't changed. I will visit him tomorrow again and bring him some food. I know that prisoners get the bare minimum but it shouldn't be a problem to steal something from the cafeteria.

I return to my room, my mind almost at ease, compared to only hours before. How long have I been with Poe? It surely took some time to catch up. I encountered him in the morning and now it is almost time for dinner.

The big doors of my quarters slide open and I make my way to the bedroom where I sit down on the little brim next to the big window.

I have grown to love the stars during my time on Tatooine. All I ever see on the Finalizer is the dark sky and the stars that shine and hang in the blackness. The never ending blackness that consumes everything. Except the stars which stay out like pebbles in front of a storm. Ever enduring these shine with the night covered in an inky black sky.

On the ship the light is artificial and nothing compared to the bright suns on the desert planet. The contrast of night and day was so much stronger that I started to appreciate not only the daylight but the beautiful nights with its stars as well.

I remember the first time seeing the stars with different eyes, standing in front of the homestead, the eerie darkness of that night will never escape my memory. I clearly remember the pitch-black curtain draped over the sky, and the twisted, warped shapes that the stars made against the blackness. The milky speckles twirled and danced along the sky in various patterns, tugging at the corners of my lips in a way that almost made me smile. It was hard to shove aside the worries corrupting my mind, but eventually, I stopped walking over the soft sand below my feet and just... stopped thinking. I was not alone. Nothing from my old life could touch me. Not a single thing could harm me. I stared up at the sky and studied the silver glow of the moon. Poe came to my side and smiled down at me with love so intense it warmed my soul like a fireplace on a cold winter's night. And there I was, standing on the dune at midnight to escape my old life, not wanting to do anything but cry. But the look that Poe gave me didn't cause the storm to go on inside of me. Instead, a hot blue fire flickered in my heart and soon started to grow, eating at all of the dark emotions in its path. My worries burned away, and the tears that were starting to form at the corners of my eyes melted down my cold face with a rush of relief. 

Crying felt good, especially when they were tears that I didn't want to push away. They weren't drops of sadness, no. They were more like the feelings of joy, relief, happiness and freedom streaming away from my hurt eyes, all the feelings absent during my time on the Finalizer. They were temporary cleaners to wash away the pain. I never cried, it just wasn't me. But that night, in Poes arms, under the protection of millions of stars, I felt like I could let the floodgates open with a single snap of my fingers. I stared up at the sky and continued to let my pain run away for the moment. The cold midnight waves rolled in and tickled my feet as I stood on the sand, not ever wanting to leave.

I wonder if that is the real me. Kylo made me think I belong to the darkside. Yes, I feel the anger sometimes and let myself be consumed by it but that night with Poe, that felt different. Every second I spend by his side makes me want to be good. For him.