different » marvel ¹

thirty-eight

TW: this chapter mentions abortion, so if anyone's triggered by this topic, please feel free to skip past. thank you!

    I forced my foot to stop tapping against the tile of Shuri's lab and stood with my hands clutching the cup of coffee I'd acquired—it was decaf, obviously. It had been about two hours since she'd drawn my blood for the test. I'd felt bad waking her up before daylight, but as soon as she heard about my worries, she was more than willing to help.

   I'd changed into a pair of jeans and my combat boots, and kept on the hoodie I was previously wearing. My eyes darted to the holographic clock she had on her desk. 8:00am. James would be up soon and wondering where I was.

If this test came back positive . . . everything would change. If anything were to happen while I was pregnant, I wouldn't be able to defend myself like I normally would and I wouldn't be able to protect the others as well.

"I got it!" Shuri announced as she walked briskly into the lab, her hand gripping a few papers. "As soon as it printed, I grabbed them and came here." She tossed them on the table beside me and sat down. The papers were still warm when I took them into my free hand, proving Shuri's words.

The young girl watched as the paper settled in my grip and I allowed my eyes to rake over the words printed on it.

   The coffee cup dropped from my hand, it's contents splattering across the pristine floor of Shuri's lab. The girl let out a gasp at the sudden accident, but I paid no attention to the outburst as my other hand found its way to the paper. My brows furrowed as Shuri stepped over the mess and came to stand beside me.

   "Oh . . ." she let out as she read the paper as well. "Are you going to tell him?"

   I didn't reply right away as I slapped the papers back down on the table and leaned against it, allowing the weight of the situation to sink in. Were we even ready to be parents? Was I? Hell, everything about me—everything I am screams unfit parent material. This kid would have to grow up with ex-HYDRA assassins for parents. Did I truly want that for them?

• • •

   "Hey, I was wondering where you were. I brought you back some food." Bucky gave me a soft smile and pressed a kiss to my forehead before sitting down beside me. He set the brown bag of food behind us as his eyes flickered to my clothing.  "Is that my jacket?"

   I let out a small laugh, giving him a nod before leaning my head against his shoulder. "It was chilly this morning and I wanted to talk to my mom," I admitted. He rose his eyebrows at my words.

   "Like you went there and came back, or you called her?" I chuckled at his confusion and shrugged.

   "You could say I called her, I guess. I'll explain it more one day . . . but I have to talk to you about something a bit more important." The amusement in my tone faded to one of seriousness as I lifted my head from his shoulder and turned to face him.

   The paper with the results rustled in my pocket like a reminder of what I was about to do. Bucky's eyes landed on my pocket and watched as I retrieved the paper. The edges were unintentionally folded, making unsightly wrinkles in the material that I tried to smooth out. It crackled in my grip as I continued to smooth it out for a few moments, subconsciously trying to prolong what had to be done. "It's fine, Raven. What is it?" he asked lowly, as if making sure I was comfortable. He gave me a look, silently asking if he could take the papers, to which I nodded and brushed a piece of hair from my face.

I watched his reaction as he read, gauging it to the best of my ability. He was shocked much like I was, but then an expression of acceptance crossed his features as he faced me. "Are you messing with me?" I shook my head as a few rogue tears began to rise in my eyes. "You're serious? How . . . how is that possible?"

As the few tears began to fall I quickly wiped them away. "Hey, don't cry. It's okay." Bucky set the papers down and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into a deep hug. "It'll be okay. Whatever you want to do, I'll be here."

   What did I want to do?

   I couldn't have an abortion. It wouldn't feel right and I couldn't bring myself to get rid of an innocent baby. But I'm not sure I'd be a good parent either, and with the visions my mother plagued me with surely coming true soon, now was the worst time to be in my situation. "I don't know what I want to do," I admitted quietly.

   "Think about it for a while. No matter what you decide . . . I'm with you in this." Bucky gently pulled from the embrace and wiped a tear from my cheek with the pad of his thumb. "I mean, it's kinda my fault if we're being honest," he chuckled lowly, his attempt to lighten the mood succeeding as I let out a breathy laugh.

   I leaned my head back into his chest with a deep sigh, sniffling as I wiped the remaining tears from my face. Knowing that he would be with me no matter what I decided was comforting. I knew Bucky wasn't the type to run when things got tough; it was one of the reasons I admired him so deeply. He was my person.

   "I love you." The words left my mouth softly. It hadn't been the first time I said them, but sharing such feelings verbally still felt a bit odd and I could tell he wasn't completely used to it either. Though, it was becoming more natural to say to him and I liked that.

   He pulled me closer to him and I could feel him press a kiss into my hair. Bucky breathed out slowly, resting his chin on my head. "I love you, too."