Always been you//Jolex

Chapter 19

"Did you get her to sleep?" I ask, laying down on the bed.
"Yeah, she's asleep. Nervous about starting school tomorrow." He changes into a tank top and boxers and lays beside me. "You alright?"
"I'm exhausted. And hungry. And the baby won't stop kicking."
He puts his arm around me and lays us down, resting his other hand on my belly. He runs his hand through my hair and places a soft kiss on my temple.
"Have you thought of names yet?" He asks.
"A few. I kinda like Emerson for a girl. We could call her Emmy. Or Ryan, Maybe."
"Cute. I like chicks with boys names."
I chuckle. "Heard that one before."
"What about if it's a boy?"
"I don't know. Haven't thought about it."
"No? Why not?"
"Because I'm like, 90% certain it's a girl. I can just tell." He laughs, and we're quiet for a moment. We lay still and quiet, feeling the tiny kicks of the baby, who is now 14 weeks and the size of an orange, according to the maternity websites. "Ow! That was a strong one. Tell your baby to calm down."
"Hey baby. It's daddy. I really need you to let mommy get some sleep. It's a lot of work to for her, you growing in her belly." He says, rubbing circles on my bump, which is really starting to show. I had to switch to the scrubs with the elastic waistband, which I was not happy about.
"Oh, it's working. Keep talking, baby likes it."
I eventually fall asleep in Alex's arms to the sound of him talking to our baby. I have to wake up early to get Sadie to school, so I'm savoring this time in Alex's arms.
********************************
"Jo? Jo, it's time to get up." The sun blasts through the curtains and I open my eyes slowly, adjusting to the light. I put my arms around Alex's neck and pull on top of me into a kiss.
"Sadie is dressed, fed, washed and brushed, backpack and lunch is packed...and I braided her hair but you might need to fix that. We wanted to let you and baby sleep." He says.
"You're amazing." I say, giving him one more kiss. "Do I smell coffee?"
Alex picks up a mug off the night table and hands it to me. I take a big gulp, knowing I'll need the caffeine to get through today.
"Like I said. Amazing."
I reluctantly toss the blanket aside, sitting up and reaching for some clothes. I put on a bra and tanktop, and then try to pull up my jeans.
"Ugh! Stupid pants won't button." I say.
"Jo, you're 14 weeks pregnant. I'd be worried if you weren't gaining weight. We just have to get you some maternity clothes." He takes a good look at me. "Are you...crying?"
"Just ignore it!" I shout, rummaging through my clothes until I find a pair of stretchy pants.
I go downstairs to see Sadie finishing up a plate of eggs and pancakes at the table. She's wearing black leggings and a white flowery shirt, and her brown hair is in two braids.
"Good morning, gorgeous! Are you ready for your first day of school?" I say, making my way into the dining room.
"Uh-huh."
"You're going to be in the same class as Zola. Your teacher is Mrs. Dulcey. Dr.Bailey's son Tuck had her and she says she's very nice." I give her a kiss. "Don't forget to go to the nurse at lunch and get your medicine. Daddy dropped it off a few days ago, and I talked to her yesterday, so you should be good to go. You know it's really important, so don't forget, okay?"
"Okay."
I help her into her jean jacket and hand her her backpack. We head outside and the bus arrives about 5 minutes later, at 7:23. Alex and I each give her a hug and kiss and she gets on the bus, waving out the window as they pull away. I notice tears streaming down my face as I smile and wave goodbye to my little girl. Great. I'm crying. Again.
Alex looks at me funny, with his crooked smile.
"Ignore it!"
We get in the car and go to work a few minutes later, and just as we pull up to the hospital, I'm paged to the ER. I give Alex a kiss goodbye and change into scrubs, then I head to the pit.
Link, Amelia, Carina and Owen are crowded around a young women in the trauma room, who is covered in blood. Owen starts talking first, as I pull on my gown and gloves.
"Pregnant female in her mid 20's, hit in a head on MVC. We need to take her up to surgery immediately, won't know how bad it is until we get in there."
"And the baby?" I ask.
"She's about 22 weeks. Heartbeat is weak, and the baby is in distress. I have to recommend we deliver." Carina says.
"At 22 weeks? She's not viable." I say.
A concerned Link joins in. "Jo, we can page someone else, since..."
"What? Since I'm pregnant? I can do my job."
We get her ready for transport and move her up to the OR. I scrub in and ask for someone to page Alex for when the baby is out. We open and her abdomen is a mess. Carina incises the uterus and removes the tiny baby.
Alex enters the OR just as Carina cuts the cord, and he takes over. I focus on trying to control the bleeding, but it's no use.
"I can't find the source." I say, exploring the cavity. "This is a mess." I turn to check on the baby. "Alex, why aren't you intubating?"
"No need to put her through more pain. She doesn't have a chance." He replies, shaking his head. He wraps her in a blanket and holds her to his chest in her last moments. I know that she won't survive and taking extraordinary measures would be cruel, but I'm still upset Alex isn't doing anything.
By the time I look back to my patient, she's flatlining. We do everything we can to resuscitate over the next 30 minutes, but by the time I scrub out, we've lost them both.
I leave the OR for the nearest supply closet, and I hear Alex following me. I walk inside and he follows, shutting the door. I try not to feel the loss, but I may have just killed a pregnant woman. What if I could've done more? What if I made a mistake? I lean against the closed door and slide to the ground, sitting with my back against it.
"Jo, I'm sorry. You shouldn't have been on that case in the first place." He sighs, and I can tell he's blaming himself. "Are you okay?" He asks, crouching beside me.
"Yeah." I say, but he can see right through my crap. "No. What if something happens to our baby, Alex? I could miscarry or get hit by a freaking semi for gods sake. I wouldn't make it if something happened to our kids, Alex. I wouldn't survive if I lost this baby, or Sadie-" at this point, I'm a mess of tears. Alex rubs my back, looking for the right words.
"Jo, the kids are okay. Sadie got cleared by Maggie last week, and your last ultrasound was perfect. I know how much you care about the baby, you've gone to every appointment and taken every vitamin. And we have no reason to believe you're gonna miscarry."
"Yes we do." I say, trying to wipe away my tears.
"What?"
"I've had a miscarriage before." He looks at me and waits for a response. "Before we got engaged. I was 9 weeks and I lost it."
"What? Why didn't you tell me?" He asks. His eyes look almost angry, but I know him too well. He's not angry that I didn't tell him, he's angry that he wasn't there to support me. He always blames himself for these things.
"I was going to tell you about the pregnancy the day it happened. I only found out a few days before that. I was so excited to tell you about the baby, and then...there was no baby anymore. Nothing to tell. I didn't want to put you through that loss for no reason."
"Jo, you should have told me. You can always tell me. You shouldn't have had to go through that alone."
"I wasn't alone. I had Mer. She knew about the pregnancy, so I told her about the miscarriage. She said that she had lost a baby too, and she helped me through it." He looks confused, hurt, even, but then he shakes his head in regret and his expression changes.
"I'm glad you had someone, I'm just sorry it couldn't have been me. But you're already in the second trimester, and there's only a 5% chance of a miscarriage at this point in the pregnancy. We are going to have a beautiful baby. Okay?"
I nod, half heartedly.
"You know what we need?" He asks. I shake my head no, and he leads me out of the closet and into an exam room. Then he pulls out his pager and pages Carina DeLuca.
He lifts me onto the exam table, making me laugh.
"Let's find out the baby's gender."