Always been you//Jolex

Chapter 27

Addison Montgomery. I've heard Alex mention that name maybe a handful of times, and only ever professionally. Through teary eyes, I watch as Alex talks on the phone, just outside the room. I can just barely hear what he's saying, but I can tell he's holding back some kind of pain of his own.
I lay in bed, helpless, the only noises the steady beep of the monitors and the quiet chatter between the nurses in background. Over and over I say that it's going to be okay. Sadie is safe. This baby will be perfect.
I try to picture her, with 10 little fingers and 10 little toes, her eyes and peach fuzz hair light brown, like mine and Alex's. I imagine a lifetime of firsts- her first diaper change, her first steps, her first day of school, her first kiss. But thinking of what I have to look forward to only reminds me of what I have to lose.
I've already felt the pain of losing a baby, and I don't think I could survive it a second time. The memory of my miscarriage, which is now over a year and a half ago, has haunted me throughout this entire pregnancy.
It's 2 a.m in the morning, the same day I found out I was 9 weeks pregnant. Alex is at the hospital on the night shift, and the bed is lonely without him. I woke up a few minutes ago, but I can't fall back to sleep.
When I notice my legs feel sticky, I turn on the lamp beside my bed to see that the sheets, my pants and my legs are all covered in bright red blood.
I call the only person who knows about the baby, which is Meredith. The phone rings a few times before she picks up.
"Jo? What's going on, it's 2 in the morning."
"I...I'm bleeding."
"What? Is Alex there?"
"He's working. And besides, I didn't tell him yet."
"Alright, I'm gonna come pick you up and take you to the hospital to get you checked out. I'm sure there's someone on call who can give you an ultrasound."
"Mer, what if I'm miscarrying?"
"Just... don't worry about that yet. Be ready in 10 minutes, and try to stay calm."
I snap back to reality when Alex hangs up the phone and comes back inside, taking my hand and sitting beside me. He explains how Doctor Montgomery is an OBGYN and fetal/neonatal surgeon, apparently one of the best, and he's flying her in to Seattle Seattle to do the surgery. I try and reassure myself that she's one of the best in her field, but I can't help but be terrified of what comes next.
Meredith drives me to the hospital and discreetly pulls aside Arizona once we find her in the ER.
"Jo, can I please page Alex for you? He'd want to be with you." Meredith says.
"I don't want to get him excited if we might be losing it." I reply.
"Then I'm staying. You shouldn't be alone." She insists.
"Can you guys just check on my baby?"
"Yeah. I'm pulling up the image on the ultrasound." Arizona says, squeezing the cold jelly onto my stomach.
Meredith squeezes my hand and a minute of silence goes by as Arizona tries to find something on the ultrasound that proves the baby is alright. Every second that goes by without a sound causes a little more of my hope to fade.
"Robbins!" I shout, getting nervous when she still doesn't speak.
"Jo, I'm so sorry. I can't find a heartbeat."
I lay quietly in my bed until 10 minutes pass, then 20, when finally I'm moved to pre-op to be prepped for surgery.
About an hour later, a helicopter carrying a tall redhead touches down on the roof, and Alex is there to greet it. At the same time, I'm moved to an OR so that they can start as soon as Addison scrubs in. Carina says we need to start as soon as possible before I lose more blood.
The door slides open a few minutes later, indicating my surgeon has entered the OR. Her mask makes it impossible for me to see her face, and her hair is tied back into a bun and covered by a pattered scrub cap.
"Jo, I'm Addison. I assure you I'm going to do everything I can to save you and your baby's lives, and your uterus. I wish we had time to chat, but I need to put you under. You've already lost more blood than I'd like."
I look around for Alex as they prepare the anesthesia, and at the last second, he walks in and gives me a kiss on my forehead. The doctor lowers the gas mask to my face, but I stop him
"Wait. Addison, promise me you same the baby over me if it comes down to it. And, Alex-"
I say, needing to get in one final word.
"Her name, it's Emerson."
As my eyes flutter shut, the last thing I think about is all the tears that came with that first loss.
"You're gonna be okay, Jo." Meredith told me.
But on some level, I never was.