A Round Trip to Love 2: Separate Routes

Chapter Twelve

Lu Feng left to the States, leaving me alone in this big empty house.

I had urged Qin Lang to bring my brother to Japan earlier, there were no reasons to delay anymore.

So now how do I deal with me?

If I say I am hesitating because of my internal struggles, then the answer to my dilemma came in the form of Zhuo Lan standing at the door of my house. I know that certain things in life are predestined and irreversible, nothing good will come out of going against it.

Otherwise, how do you explain her appearance at this precise moment, not a minute too soon and not a second too late.

"Zhuo Lan, let's get married." I heard myself telling her without any unnecessary emotions.

I know this is not right of me. However at this time, who can tell me what is right and what is wrong.

Until I stepped into the church on our wedding day did I find out what an esteemed leading figure Zhuo Lan's father is, I am the only one who is too ignorant and ill-informed to know that. Zhuo family's prominence in society holds no particular significance to me, other than the fact that my desire not to be found can be easily fulfilled by their influence, allowing me to vanish into thin air.

I, Cheng Yi Chen, is now officially the son-in-law of Zhuo family, Zhuo Lan's husband.

Zhuo Lan is truly a very good wife, beautiful and gentle, kind and understanding, so perfect that I cannot pick one thing to criticize her even if I tried. She does not demand much from me, as if she is contented just to have me as her husband, even though I am quiet, uninteresting and lifeless. Even on days I go about like an empty shell, she will just smile and sit next to me with a patience deserving of sainthood, keeping me company, so thoughtful that she will often say nothing at all.

In the beginning, my mind and emotions was a terrible mess. Obviously no one coerced me into making this choice, yet I could not face up to it. Countless mornings I would wake up overwrought by the sight of a woman's round demure face lying right next to my pillow, my brain unable to fathom why it is not Lu Feng.

I finally acknowledged what a despicable person I am. Just to evade Lu Feng for a time, I made use of an innocent woman who is an unrelated party to all these by marrying her.

If she had not married me, no matter if she chose to remain single or marry any other men, it would have been better for her a hundred fold.

How can I continue to be a burden in her life.

"Zhuo Lan." It was a full year later that I calmed down completely. My young and gentle wife stood near me, feeding unknown birds in the garden, a serene smile on her face as she listened to me.

"I am sorry ......... for not being a good husband."

"That's not true." Zhuo Lan has tied her long black jaded hair up, she has grown into an even more mature and good-natured beauty than before, "You have always been very good to me ...... you have not a trace of those bad traits that my friends' spouses have."

" ......... Really?"

"You don't smoke, you don't get drunk, you don't gamble, you don't fool around with women, and you don't beat me." She narrowed her eyes at me, teasing me with a soft laugh.

"No, I did not fulfill the duties of a husband, the things I should be doing for you, I didn't ........."

For example, I hardly slept with her. I am a hopeless homosexual. When it came to women, the act of lovemaking becomes purely perfunctory.

"I feel this is good already." She looked completely honest, "Really, you have always been very gentle to me ...... not even raising your voice at me once ...... I used to worry that you would despise me, so when you agreed to get married with me ...... I was so happy ...... I could not believe it to be true for a very long time ...... Now that you are still here with me is really good enough for me, to have you by my side ......"

I fell silent. What's good about me? Any random guy can give you much more than I, much better than I can ever be.

Leaving you is the only good thing I can do for you.

"Moreover ......"

"Mmm?" I was still considering how best to broach the subject of separation, and how to convince her not to continue wasting her youth on a useless fellow like myself.

"I am pregnant."

My brain formulated no thoughts other than to register that I am shocked.

She chuckled: "You don't have to be so alarmed, of course this is very normal, after all we have been married for a year now ......"

Her voice gradually fade away from my wandering mind.

My child? My ........

I know I made a grave mistake, but it is too late to turn back now.

It is a boy, after his first earth-shattering cry, he smiled at me, even though it was an ugly smile, but it is the cutest thing I ever laid eyes on. I carried him tenderly in my arms with tears rolling down my cheeks.

From then on, I can only be a father that is at his beck and call, and be Zhuo Lan's husband, everything else will be casted away from my head.

The child grew at the speed of lightning. Before I know it, he can speak, he can walk, and then it is time for him to attend kindergarten, and then elementary school. He looks more and more like me, no one can deny whose mold he is made out of, even his personality is similar to mine ...... I already know that when he grows up, he will be a replica of my youth, with long eyebrows, pointed chin, straight nose, narrow eyes, and a shallow dimple on the side of a smile, a little delicate, but an undeniable upright boy.

Like me, he is an exemplary student, not speaking much to girls. At a tender age he had the character of an old hen, prone to swallowing grievances, not frank enough with his own feelings, but a good boy through and through. He even became the class monitor like I was, a teacher's pet ......

He loves being with me more than his mother, following me around like my shadow day in and day out. I taught him to write, recite poems, construct models ...... Zhuo Lan would sit near us looking at the pair of father and son with an obvious resemblance slouching on the floor working on a puzzle, smiling happily. The only time she expressed any complaints about me was when I taught him wine tasting while he was still underage.

Even though his surname is Zhuo and not Cheng, the blood flowing in him is well and truly mine, the son who looks exactly like me.

As I carried him to sit on my lap, relaxing in front of the TV together with his mother, I cannot bring myself to think about the past anymore, or think about the man who used to be my all. I am the father of this child, I am the husband of this woman. I am the one who inserted myself into their lives, I have to be responsible for them.

I was sitting on the bench in the garden with my eyes squeezed shut against the afternoon sun, when my son did a sneak attack on me with a camera just a few steps away, then came running to me with the Polaroid in his hands like he was presenting a treasure. The man in the photo with his eyes closed and a thin facial outline is me, but unbelievably, after so many years, my looks did not seem to have changed at all.

"What's this for?"

"It is an assignment for my photography class to be handed in next week."

"Oh." The things kids learn these days are really varied.

"The topic I picked is I Love Papa."

I burst out laughing, forgive me as I bask in pride for a while.

"No, it should be I Love Papa the most."

"Well said. As your reward, I will give you the game archive we played last time ......"

"So who does Papa love the most?"

" ............" A familiar pang of pain spread over my chest, the wound that I buried carefully deep in my soul bled once again.

An image floated before my vision like a photograph, of a man smiling at me with a tenderness so rare.

I touched my son's soft brown hair: "Um, Papa loves Mummy the most of course ...... and Wen Yang too."

On a winter day in Shanghai many years ago, me and him under the lenses of another camera.

Click.

I now know it was a moment captured in time, not eternity.