Phantom Pain [BL - SaifahZon] //COMPLETED//

Phantom Pain - Part 2

"Zon? Oi, Zon?"

"I told ya' he's weird today."

"Just leave him be. It's probably about his novel again."

Zon wasn't able to concentrate. The words of his friends went in one ear and out the other and the content of his classes was all a blur. All he could think of was the touch of Saifah's lips on his cheeks, Saifah's rough hands holding his, Saifah's soft voice calling his name and Saifah's eyes when he was confessing his love to Zon. He flushed. Why did his dream feel more real than actual memories? Why was he still yearning to meet Saifah so badly?

After an unfortunate meeting during lunch break, he decided he had to avoid Saifah at all cost. When he saw him in the corridor, tears started running down his face without any warning. He was as surprised about it as his friends and all he could think of as an excuse was allergies. But it was later, when he bumped into him in the cafeteria, when his heart stopped for a second and he couldn't say a single word.

"Watch your step!" snapped out Saifah. Their gaze crossed and the distance in the taller boy's eyes froze Zon's heart to the core. Normally he would say something back, get furious and nag about it for the rest of the day. But this time was different. And he couldn't allow himself to act like that ever again.

Fortunately, him avoiding Saifah wasn't anything new. At least for his friends, because for Zon it felt like falling back into the old pattern of their relationship. He had already forgotten about his hatred, Saifah's teasing him and Zon's annoyance at this. And even though it was him who made the decision to avoid Saifah now, every day he wished to meet him and see the smug look on his face again.

He... he missed him.

He missed him every day and every night. He missed him when falling asleep and he missed him when waking up. He missed Saifah from his dreams and every night he wished to wake up back in Saifah's arms. Normally he would be in panic mode if he dreamt about another guy, but this time all he could do was curl up in his bed feeling as lonely as never before.

But deep down in his heart, he knew it was only a phantom pain. Phantom pain of losing something he never had and will never have. There was no point in feeling sad, no point in recalling things that never were. From what he knew, all he loved in Saifah was made up by his mind. There was no evidence of anything he learned about Saifah being true. If he went to his dorm, would the building even be there? And if so, would the room actually look like he remembered? Not likely. So why couldn't he forget? Why after several days his dreams were still as vivid and feelings as strong as before? Why was he playing his dream in his head over and over again?

Was it the feeling of love he was seeking or was it actually Saifah?

With trembling fingers he typed Saifah's name into the Facebook search bar. For days he had been avoiding the 'real' Saifah, both in his life and online. But to convince himself once and for all, he really had to realize that 'his' Saifah and the 'real' Saifah were not the same person. He scrolled through his Facebook page, through his old pictures and posts and with each piece of information he felt even more heartbroken. It really wasn't his Saifah. They do like similar things and they do look the same, but there were these small things that made them different. The way of texting, usage of emoticons, pictures and favourite songs... They weren't identical, yet still so similar. It made Zon feel like he was in some alternative universe, like he was affected by the Mandela effect. His mind probably just merged slivers of information he had about Saifah together and made him believe it.

But there was one thing that was still the same.

His feelings.

He could hear his heart thundering in his chest. Right now it was his real life that was a nightmare. A painful and heartbreaking nightmare, he wished it was over. Some sick alternative universe where he was suffering over a breakup that never was. An alternative universe, where his lover knew nothing about it and where their only kiss was an accidental one during first year. The kiss that–

The kiss! Zon gasped. The uneven rhythm of his heart matched his confusion. After days of disorientation and pain he found a glimpse of hope. A silver lining in this whole mess of emotions. If this was an alternative universe, if this really was some kind of glitch in the Matrix, there would be a possibility of making everything right, wouldn't it be?

Unless...

Zon clicked on Saifah's profile once again. Badump, badump. He navigated to the information page. Badump, badump. Everything might be the way it was supposed to be, if he tried hard enough. Badump, badump. Everything might be the way it was supposed to be, unless–

His heart sank, when he saw the tagged name next to Saifah's.

Saifah had a girlfriend.

In real life he was already dating someone. A girl. And apparently they had been together for months. But this shouldn't surprise Zon. Saifah was handsome. And he was popular. He should have actually expected it to be this way.

But the pain was real and Zon didn't think it would hurt so much.

Saifah was in a relationship.

Suddenly, everything became blurred. The whole world. No focus. His heart was thudding in his chest, his hands sweating. He felt like a ship without its anchor. The sharp intake of breath hurt his throat and made him feel nauseous. Like a fish out of water. The piercing pain in his chest made him even more breathless.

He rushed out to the bathroom choking on air. Luckily, there was no one there. He slumped on the floor and put his head between his legs. What was wrong with him? He clenched fingers on his hair, trying to calm down. Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out. But his heart was still pounding like crazy and his head was spinning.

"Zon?" he heard from afar.

He felt someone's fingers on his chin. When he looked up he met the brown eyes he loved so much. He blinked, but Saifah was still there staring at him in bewilderment. Pain pierced Zon's chest again. Cold sweat passed over him as he trembled.

"Zon, you okay?" Saifah repeated. But he couldn't answer. "Zon, count to five."

Zon opened his mouth but all he could do was gasp for air. Finally, with all his might, he stammered: "Leave me alone."

"Zon–"

"Leave me alone!"

Saifah's presence made him feel even worse. Even if for a second he thought that he might make Saifah fall for him, now he was sure. It was impossible. They never were and never will be together and because of Zon's dream they will never even befriend each other. It was all lost.

Saifah hesitated at first but after a few seconds he got up.

"Here, eat this. It will help you with blood sugar." He threw a small chocolate bar under Zon's feet and left. That's when Zon burst in tears. He felt cold and hot and couldn't stop crying. He couldn't understand his reaction. It made no sense. It was all a dream. And while trying to comprehend his emotions and find a grip on reality, he still felt this overwhelming pain. It was like his body and mind were separated. In his head he was able to see how nonsensical this was, but at the same time he was shaken to the core.

He was in love with Saifah.