Phantom Pain [BL - SaifahZon] //COMPLETED//

The Saboteur - Part 1

"Sai, I think we should go back inside."

Saifah closed his eyes and let himself feel bitter for the first time in forever. For more than a year, he had never let himself have any hope about his crush. Not even a little bit. He just carried the feeling locked in himself, closed and hidden in his heart like the biggest secret it was. He knew it would never be reciprocated. But even if he buried it somewhere deep inside, it would always find its way to devour him, to consume every bit of his willpower and leave him drained afterwards.

Would he feel better if he ever told someone? Would he move on?

"May I ask you a question, before we go back?" he asked, before biting his tongue.

"Sure."

"Who is the person from your dream?"

This question was constantly on his mind ever since he heard about Zon's hopeless situation. Even though they didn't exactly know each other, he couldn't imagine the boy being so obsessed with anyone. Saifah was dying from curiosity; whenever he saw Zon, it was all he could think of. Who? Who? WHO? The question was ringing in his head and he could've lied to himself as much as he wanted, but he knew exactly why he wanted to know it so much.

He was, in fact, jealous.

Ever since their accidental kiss, this fierce short-arse was finding his way to catch his eye and Zon's name was attracting his attention even when he had his head in the clouds. First, he was convinced it was caused by his irritation. By the unsettling feeling he felt whenever he recalled the moment, Fai not taking any responsibility, Zon accusing him of god knows what... But soon he realized all those stories he had heard from Thantai and Junior were actually making him smile. He couldn't help but be intrigued. And with every overheard snippet he was learning more and more about Zon, to the point his persona was nearly painted in his mind. Of course, there were some parts of the image that still remained blank, while others were just awfully simplified. But Saifah had already accepted the fact that he would never be able to create a more realistic portrait of Zon.
Because there was no way Zon would ever look at him the way his novel version did.

Not in this lifetime.

"It was you, Saifah. You were in my dream."

His heart skipped a beat. What? He was stupefied. The words that he wanted to hear so badly for such a long time made him question his sanity. Did he just- No, it was all in his head, he just put his hopes in Zon's mouth, misheard everything in his own favour, wasn't it? Because that couldn't be right.

Could it?

He let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding and asked, his voice tense: "W-what did you say?"

"Oh, don't worry, though. It was only a dream, it doesn't mean anything and-"

Zon was right, it was only a dream, but it meant everything for Saifah. Zon, the one who Saifah had a crush on for a year, the one who hated him for as long, Zon who Saifah didn't even know was into boys, dreamt about him, about them being in a relationship. That was a true game changer. Everything Zon told him months ago during their lunch came back to him and opened all those locked emotions he had inside.

'Did you ever love someone so much it was painful to look at them?'

Was it really about him?

"Please, forget it," started Zon, but Saifah shook his head. That was impossible. If it really was about him he had to know. Not because he had any actual hope, but for some kind of closure. Just to ease his mind. Because just the knowledge that he might have had – or still had – a chance with Zon was more than he had ever expected.

"Sorry, but I can't." He doubted Zon could notice his grin in the darkness, but if it was possible, his increasing beaming smile would light up the parking lot. "And i don't want to."

He made a few steps forward to close the distance between them. His body was still shaking from restrained feelings, or at least that's how it felt like, when he raised his hand ready to caress Zon's cheek. He froze in the middle, however. That wasn't a good idea. Even if Zon was dreaming about him, he was still confused about it. There was still a good chance he would turn him down.

"Please, d-don't think much about it, I'm drunk, I'm not even sure what I-"

"Shut up," he said softly. "Shut up and listen to me."

If he was ever to tell his feelings, that was the moment.