Our Hill of Stars

20 Falling

A S H L Y N

I didn't sleep. Every time I started to drift off I would jolt awake. Either my legs would kick out or my arm would fall asleep. Each time I woke with my heart racing, visions of Grandma Lucy in the hospital bed floating in my head. I gave up even trying around four in the morning.

I wandered out into the garden and sat in Grandma Lucy's favorite spot. I could only make out Orion's belt with all the neighborhood lights, so I had to settle with the moon.

I thought about Grandma Lucy making her good-byes like that. And of course, there was the news I'd known Eli as a little girl. That was shocking. I kept trying to remember him and the whole time was a blur. I looked for the North Star, the star I had wished on the drive out here. Was I being pushed here for a reason?

I felt a wave of heat run up my spine. It was hard to breathe like someone sat on my chest. I bent over and put my head between my legs, sucking in deep breaths to stave off whatever anxiety coursed through me now. The world spun whenever I closed my eyes. I gripped the armrests of Grandma Lucy's garden chair.

The panic started to ease and I sat up again. Unbidden tears streaked down my cheeks. It was all so confusing. A light flicked on, illuminating the yard. Sadie was in the bathroom. I could see her silhouette in the frosted glass. A minute passed and the light went out, only for the one in the kitchen to come on.

I heard the screen door open and Sadie stepped into the back yard. She crossed the yard and sat in the dewy grass by my side. She took my hand in hers.

"You ok?"

"I'm so scared. About everything."

"Talk to me."

I craned my head, finding Orion's belt once more. How I wanted to be out in the observation tower with my telescope, surrounded by my stars.

"She's going to die, Sadie." I rubbed my eyes with my free hand. Sadie held my other hand tighter. "And she knows it. She was all good-byes and I love yous at the hospital. It's scary."

"I'm sorry, Ashlyn. What can I do to help you?"

"Nothing. Just, be here for me." I shook my head. "And Eli was there. My grandma knew him, from childhood, or at least knew his mom. It was all too weird."

"You brought Eli in with you?"

I looked down at her and in the moonlight, I could see no judgment, just confusion. I shook my head. My ponytail gently tickled the back of my neck.

"I felt like I needed him with me, but maybe I shouldn't have. It was all so personal and yet it felt right to have him there. I don't know."

Sadie said nothing. She just kept holding my hand. We sat in relative silence for a while.

We watched the sunrise, hand in hand.

~*~*~

It was just after three and I had just left the hospital for a quick, if somewhat late, lunch. According to Muriel the cafeteria food was the worst and I'd be better off eating cardboard. So I went to get us some sandwiches.

I bounced from foot to foot as I waited for our sandwiches. I just wanted to get back to the hospital. How long did it take to make pastrami on rye and a turkey club? I should have gone to Eli's deli. He'd have gone faster.

My insides churned thinking about Eli. At the time, I felt like he needed to be in the hospital with me. Now I wasn't so sure. All morning I felt antsy about it. I had moved too fast. I was moving too fast. Justin and Holly's confrontations with me unsettled me. Holly said he could withdraw emotionally and Eli hadn't exactly refuted that. Justin said I'd break his heart. It all upset me. I fell too hard and last night just punctuated that point now.