Our Hill of Stars

22 Photo Album

A S H L Y N

They moved Grandma Lucy to hospice. She slipped into an unresponsive state and it was only a matter of time. My parents talked to the hospital, deciding against a feeding tube or life support. I wanted to fight them, demand they do everything it takes. Muriel had to talk me down though. My parents just wanted Grandma Lucy to leave this world with some dignity. I could accept that, no matter how much it hurt. How much it felt like we were giving up on Grandma Lucy.

I sat in the hospice room in the dark. I hadn't bothered to turn the lights on or open the curtains. Sadie and Noah sat with me, we played trivia on Noah's phone. It was just a waiting game now. Muriel came in to relieve us of duty every few hours. Sadie and Noah practically had to drag me out to get a break. At least I could stay all night in Lucy's room in hospice. I had barely been home in five days.

"Good afternoon, kids." Muriel came in holding out bags of food. "I came to relieve you of duty."

Sadie knocked my knee with hers. "Let's eat and then go get some rest at home."

It didn't feel much like home with Grandma Lucy there. Not that hospice felt much like home either. I was stuck in limbo these days.

"I don't know, I think I'll stay here."

Sadie, Noah, and Muriel all exchanged a look. I had become used to these little glances between them. They weren't as subtle as they thought they were.

"What?" I demanded.

"You've been here for twenty-four hours straight, Ashlyn," Sadie said. "No one wanted to push you, but it's time to go home for a bit."

"Your grandma wouldn't want you worrying yourself sick here," Muriel continued. She handed me a salad and a bag of sour gummy bears from her bag of food.

I cradled both containers to my chest. A Greek salad and sour gummies, two things Lucy taught me to love. Two things she would never get to enjoy again. Tears pricked my eyes.

"Just for a few hours, ok?" Sadie implored. "Noah and I will come back with you and wait all night if you want us to. Just, let's go home for a bit."

I looked over at Grandma Lucy's bed. She hadn't opened her eyes in days. She'd made a few mumbled noises and I was sure she tried to wake up. I didn't want to believe the doctors who said she wouldn't wake up. We still had to say our real good-byes. I would never be able to forgive myself if I went back to her house and she woke up briefly one last time. I bit my lip, trying to keep from crying for the thousandth time that day.

Muriel knelt in front of me. "She wouldn't want you to do this to yourself."

My eyes shot from Lucy to Muriel. "What do you know? You have no idea what she'd want. I do! She'd want to live! She'd want every machine hooked up to her so she could wake up and keep on fighting!" My voice reached a shrill level.

"I'll go start the car." Noah grabbed his keys and darted out of the room.

I watched him go. I felt fleeting guilt for watching him go. He'd been accepted into the same grad school as Sadie and he had postponed his celebratory barbeque because of Grandma Lucy's illness. I knew, far back in the deep recesses of my mind, I was being unreasonable staying in this room day and night. Everyone around me was making sacrifices to make sure I was ok and I stubbornly sat here. And yet, I wouldn't budge. I just couldn't leave her side. My parents were flying tomorrow morning with my sister, funeral arrangements were being tentatively made, but as long as there was a small glimmer of hope, I remained by her side.

"Ashlyn, this is hard," Muriel said, undeterred by my outburst. "And I know it feels like you're betraying her if you go, but you're not. She cared so much about you and wanted you to be happy. It would break her heart to see you like this."