Lost in Different Cities // H.S.

Chapter 5: I Don't Know What I'm Doing

//Chapter Song: Like We Used To by A Rocket To The Moon//

My heart is thumping harshly against my chest, tears welling in my eyes as I slide down my bedroom door. I hit the hard floor pulling my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them trying to calm my racing heart. I feel so overwhelmed by everything we said and the feeling of his kiss that I've missed for months still lingers on my lips. It's all too much for me at one time.

I know he's there, standing in my kitchen with a confused expression on his face. Because I kissed him back. It's Harry, kissing him was the most natural thing in the world, or it used to be.

Every word Harry said continues to replay through my mind and causes even more tears to flow down my flushed cheeks. He really has missed me as much as I missed him. If his words hadn't proved it, the way he kissed me with such need and desperation did. It was like my lips were water and he had been dying of thirst. I could have got lost in the familiar feeling if my mind would have shut off, but as much as I want to get lost in him again I have to make sure its what is best for me.

Although he truly believed he was doing what he thought was right by dropping out of my life after that voicemail, it still ruined me. I barely remember what I said that night, I was so upset and my mind was so fuzzy. I didn't mean it, any of it. As soon as the words had left my mouth I wanted to take them back but I couldn't. It kills me to know he believed them.

I figured after everything we had been through he would know I was just upset with him in that moment. That the drinks had gone to my head and it was all just nonsense mixed in with the hurt. I expected him to call me back, to tell me he was sorry for not being there and maybe finally tell me what was going on with him. There were a lot of things I thought were supposed to happen that day, but none of them did. Now we are both left in the aftermath of rash decisions and horrible mistakes and I don't know how we are supposed to claw our way out.

But now guilt is clawing its way into the anger that has been festering inside of me for so long and I don't want to let it in. I don't want to think about the hurt in his beautiful green eyes when he talked about that voicemail. I don't want to think about what would have happened if I wasn't so stubborn and called him after that night. I don't want to think of where we would be if one of us had fought just a little harder. I just want to hold onto the anger I feel towards him because it's so much better than the hurt.

"Anna," a soft voice comes from the other side of my door followed by a gentle knocking. "Anna," the voice says again. "He left."

Sighing with strange relief, I pull myself off the hard ground wiping the tears from my face and composing myself before I reach for the door handle. Piper gives me a sympathetic smile when I pull open the door.

"Are you alright?" She asks softly as her brown eyes scan my disheveled appearance and she can clearly see I am anything but 'alright'.

"I don't know what I'm doing anymore Piper," I confess to her in my scratchy voice. "I was just starting to feel like myself again and then he just comes back and now my head is a mess."

"I know girl. But it's only a mess because you both care about each other. If there was nothing left between you guys it wouldn't hurt so much." She says sympathetically.

I don't want to believe her. I just want my mind to shut off. But the worst thing of all is that I can't decide if it's good or bad that I know Piper's words are right. There is still so much left between Harry and I, there always will be. And I don't know how to feel about it.