The Babysitting Contract | j.jk

14 • restart

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Why do you hate me?

Why do you hate me?

Why do you hate me?

Jeongguk's question rattles around my skull like tumbled rocks. Heat prickles my eyes as the memories threaten to come rushing back. The words are coming up, too — as they always do when I'm drunk. They're bubbling in my chest and rising to the surface until they threaten to spill out, out, out.

And like a switch being flipped, I succumb blindly to the rage.

It's almost as if I've lost control of myself. Liquid animosity leaks into my system, warring with the heat of my intoxication until it becomes an overwhelming, almost toxic feeling. My limbs begin to shake. My vision smears red. My lips are quivering, wordlessly mouthing the fury I feel into strings of incoherent sentences that I want to let out, out, out, Taehee, let them out.

I clamp my hand over my mouth.

I can't let them out.

My vision becomes blurry. I'm shaking. I can't breathe. I need air. I need outside. I need to get away. I need to get away from Jeongguk.

So I run.

"Taehee, no!"

But it's too late. By the time Jeongguk realizes what I'm doing, I'm already on my feet and bumbling drunkenly through the kitchen in the direction of the patio doors. In my panicked haste, I can't remember if they're push or pull. My arm strength has practically liquified as I try with all my might to open them. They still won't move. I still can't breathe.

I can feel Jeongguk's presence behind me, can feel the gentle hand he places on my shoulder. I shake it off. I start slamming my shoulder into the glass.

"Stop," Jeongguk commands. While he adhered to my wish of not being touched, he still shifts close to me and braces himself against the pane of glass. His gaze is dark. Confused. Dejected. "You're going to hurt yourself."

A harsh breath rattles around my chest, sounding empty and lonely. In an attempt to distract him, I blindly point my arm behind me and say, "Look! Over there! A bunny rabbit!"

He doesn't even flinch. "Nice try, Smooth Guy."

I slam my hand down on the doors, frustrated. The glass is cool against my forehead but the window to the outside is almost taunting. Just beneath my fingertips lies the expanse of grass, the blanket of stars, the vastness of the world. It's out of reach. I can't get to it. I'm trapped.

In one last bid to save myself, I turn to face Jeongguk. Stepping close, I fist his shirt and pull him towards me. He gasps, stumbling forward. Standing on my tippy toes, I make sure he's looking into my eyes. I make sure he can see my desperation.

"Please, Jeongguk," I whisper. My words are tangled. "Please let me go."

He hesitates a moment, searching my face. There's something sad in his, an almost forlorn longing. Then he's turning away and I'm filled with relief as he first twists the lock and pulls the doors open.

The sweet, muggy air is motivation enough. I lumber outside, tripping over my feet. The grass is wet between my toes. The space is open. I can breathe.