Aquarelle [h.s]

the nightingale

"The Nightingale" by H. E. S. (December 15, 2013 original version with a June 10, 2020 edit)

Cold;
silent waves,
carelessness in my eyes.

Your auburn;
speckles of brown
in the moonlight.

Feathery touch
and broken promises;
smoke rising in the sky.
I wish I knew

I wonder why
you'd stay with me
in this winter night?

Lost shadows
flickering, burning gleam
in your eyes

Won't the light
lead you back home,
nightingale of my night?

With you
I'd linger in the cold
until dawn arises;
gleaming rose

blue;
and purple
glistering.

And as
the sunlight set
the clouds on fire

I
couldn't help
but realise

There is
nowhere else
I'd rather be

Than here with you.

June 10, 2020 edit: Hey, nightingale.

Do you remember that day of eight years ago, when we kissed for the first time in your mother's garden? You jumped backwards and I swear my heart failed a little too.

I'd never considered for myself the possibility of being with someone that liked me just because of who I was, before. I used to see myself as broken, faulted, like a shattered toy thrown away on the side of the street after a too energetic child played with it and destroyed it beyond repair. I was wrong, not for you, but for everyone and everything. For life too. I felt like I had nothing to offer, I was spent, my fuel had run out.

I'd never wanted people to pity me, but I still hadn't realised that I had not to pity myself in the first place.

You came along and I was terrified. You shattered everything I thought I knew in a matter of weeks and helped me rebuild from the ruins. You kissed me in your mother's garden and suddenly everything lost meaning to me.

Love is that one thing that makes people lose their mind. We spin, collide, fall, and memories is all we're left with. That's what I kept repeating inside of my mind, like my own personal mantra, in hopes that one day I would find the courage to leave. I left because I was scared, because I didn't think I could do it, and I still firmly stand by my decision, because it was the right thing to do then. I didn't want to bring you down with me.

I'd never been the kind of person that cares too much about others, before you. A part of my mind has always felt like they'll inevitably leave me at some point. I didn't want to be that dirty rag thrown away in the corner of an alley, with nothing to stand by me if not heartbreak and regrets. I was scared of getting close to people, and of you I was terrified.

I was terrified because it didn't matter how hard I tried to push you away, I could never bring myself to truly do it. It didn't matter what I told you or what you said to me, I always found my way back to your house. I couldn't get you out of my mind, in the best and worst way possible. Whatever I was doing you were there, always, a lingering thought in the corner of my rationality.

I'd never found myself in a similar situation with someone I barely knew before. You fucked my mind up completely, but somehow gave to living a different meaning from existing. They'd always been synonyms to me, before you.

And yet I'd read books and relate those sentences to you, I'd look at the fallen leaves on the ground and read them in your words, I'd listen to music and match its rhythm with the one of your steps.