The Caged Bird Longs To Be Free

Chapter 8

David: I'm so sorry for what I did.

Me: You still did it.

David: I hurt you. I don't want to do that.

David: You know what? Are you at home?

Me: Yeah

David: Wait there.

Three minutes later there is a ring at your door.

Realising what David has done, you race to the door but are beaten by your father.

"Hello, yes?" Your dad says, casting a watchful eye over the boy at his front door.

"Hi, I'm David, I'm here for-"

David doesn't finish his sentence. He breaks into a grin as you slide across the tiled floor into the kitchen.

You want to say so much.

"I'm sorry," would have been fine.

"I shouldn't have asked you that question," is another one.

"I love you" would have been a bold statement.

"That night we spent together was magical," might have been a bit too much.

You opt for a simple, "Hey," instead.

You grab a set of shoes and tell your dad you'll be out of the house for a few hours. He tells you that the family is having dinner at six.

You nod in acknowledgement before following David out into the sunshine.

You can't really remember where you went together.

It was one of those walk and talk afternoons; where you can trace the sun reaching the apotheosis of the sky, not a cloud to stop its dazzling rays.

And somewhere in those hours, his hand slips into yours.

It feels so natural as his fingers lightly intertwine with yours. You look down, a little in surprise, but also just to capture the moment in your mind.

A boy, holding your hand in public. You draw your eyes upward towards David's, and he leans in for a kiss.

David walks you home. You share 'just one more' kiss under 'your' tree.

You eventually push him away playfully after the fifteenth consecutive kiss.

"I'll text you later," you tell him as you head inside.

Your phone pings a few hours later. You immediately grab it, but find it is Joey instead of David.

You unlock your phone.

Joey: Hey, were you out with David today?

Me: Yeah, why?

Joey: Is David 'out' yet?

Me: No. You are starting to worry me.

Joey: There is a pic on TattleTale. Of the two of you.

Joey: Holding hands. And kissing.

Me: What the fuck? Send me the link.

Joey sends you the account. The post caption makes you cringe.

"David Johnson and some random lad getting off. Never thought he was a queer."

Your name wasn't included in the post. You were practically anonymous, meaning all of the comments are aimed squarely at David.

They were the same sort of comments that you and John had received at the end of last summer.

And here they came again.

"David Johnson? My friend Milly liked him, how could he?"

"Always thought he was a fag. Caught him looking at me once in the locker room."

"I kissed him a few months back at a party. I hope I don't have AIDs."

You are about to text David when he pings over a message.

David sent, "Meet me in the park."

You check the time. It is almost ten o'clock at night.

You put your shoes on and walk to the park, your mind racing.

As you reach the park gate you see David inside with a couple of his mates.

You quickly send a text over to Joey and he is with you in less than a minute.

"What the fuck is this?" Joey whispers to you as you walk towards David.

"I don't know, but we'll soon find out."

You open the park gate.

It seems rather fitting, it should start and end in the same place.

As you approach, David quickly separates himself from the group and advances towards you. You stop face to face with him.

Joey stops a few metres behind you.

"What is this about?" you whisper to David.

David gathers his thoughts before he opens his mouth.

"I...I..." David starts. "We...can't see each other anymore."

You begin to laugh. You think this is just some stupid joke.

"Why?" You look over at David's 'friends'. "Is it because of what these chucklefucks think?"

"I don't want to see you again. I mean it," David says, his voice getting louder.

"What is your problem?" you reply, raising your voice in turn.

David straightens up to his full height.

"Why did you kiss me earlier today? Why did you do that?" David shouts.

"Me? You took hold of my hand. You kissed me. You took me back to your room! And you fucking loved it!"

David roughly pushes you with both his hands.

"I'm not gay! I can't be a faggot!"

Can't.

Can't.

Not "am not." Not even "won't."

"Can't." Like there was some external factor stopping him from identifying as gay or bisexual.

What is the reason?

Because he's a 'Rugby Lad?'

Because he's always dated girls?

Because of some bullshit societal indoctrination that gay men are soft, or weak, or less manly?

Because of peer pressure? Is he too proud to put his social standing on the line?

You'll never know.

David goes to raise his hands again, but Joey steps in front of you.

"That's enough. Fuck off right now," Joey says, jamming a finger into David's chest.

Joey is nowhere near David's height, but his spirit makes up for his shorter stature.

David rises onto the balls of his feet as if he wants to fight, but he slowly backs down.

"I'm out of here," he says, throwing a dirty look at you and Joey.

David leaves with his friends. Joey turns to you and makes sure that you are okay.

"He didn't hit you hard, did he?"

You shake your head. You try to speak, but you find your throat has constricted through fear and heartbreak.

"Come on, let's go back to mine," Joey says.