The Caged Bird Longs To Be Free

Chapter 9

You head back to Joey's. He texts Mary and Alex and they meet the two of you at his house...just like the last time.

And again David sends you a voice message. It sounds like he is crying.

"I'm so sorry...I panicked when I saw the picture...I like being with you..."

"Forget him dude," Joey says. "He's going to keep fucking you over and they'll come a point where he'll do something drastic."

Joey warned you. Mary and Alex agreed with him.

But you accepted David's apology.

And after a couple more weeks of meeting in secret and fooling around, he lets you down again.

You are out in town. He kisses you and you kiss him. You see a flash from the corner of your eye. You both look across the road.

A posse of girls you recognise from school stands on the other side, their phones in their hands. David immediately bolts. You chase after him and you get to his house.

David sits on the front porch, crying his eyes out. When you go to comfort him, he pushes you away.

"You're leading me on!" he screams. "Why do you keep coming back?"

He would spin everything around to make it your fault. He eventually punched you when he couldn't use his words.

And once again you are back at Joey's with Mary and Alex. At least Joey didn't say, "I told you so."

"He was messing you around. It wouldn't have ended well," Mary said.

"And you're going off to university anyway in a few months," Alex added.

You try to take solace in their advice.

You see him a few weeks later with his arm around a girl in the park with some mates.

You catch his eye and he gives you a look...one of longing. He wants you to be there with him.

The girl sitting next to him looks over and he breaks your gaze. He turns to her and wears a fake smile, trying not to let his true feeling show.

He lightly kisses her on the lips, as if he is trying to show off to the 'Straight Gods' that he is a faithful convert.

David continues to text you over the next few weeks.

David: I miss you.

David: Let's meet up.

David: Can't we be friends?

David: Stop fucking ignoring me.

David: Stupid cunt.

David: I just fucked Melissa. See how easy it was for me to get over you?

David: Please...can we talk?

Joey eventually takes your phone and blocks David's number and deletes him from your contacts.

"This is as much for him as it is for you," Joey says.

You don't speak to David for the rest of the summer.

And then you were off to university half a country away. Away from the bullshit of the past and the crude remarks. A future filled with fun times.

Every now and then you search for David on social media. You can't help yourself but see what he is up to.

He moved on quick. He seems to be going steady with a girl he met in class. She seems happy.

His expression in their photos together is odd. There is an obvious love, but maybe not an 'in love'. When he's looking into her eyes you can sense that he's searching for someone or something different.

You are the exact same. You date girls, you date guys, you date enbys, but nobody clicks with you, nobody affects your soul like he did.

You go the opposite way and try not to make any attachments. You think meaningless flings will heal you, until you actually start having meaningless flings.

They are fun for the brief minutes of panting, but afterward you find yourself wanting him.

But it's not really him.

You just want someone to talk to, and laugh with, and who wants you for more than the minutes in between your clothes coming off and them coming back on.

But then you do meet someone. It was your first time at an LGBT Social. You were too afraid to go during the first quarter, feeling too straight to go.

But after summoning enough courage, you head in and make new friends.

You sit next to a cute second-year called Sam and for the next three hours find you keep coming back to talk to him after mingling with other people.

You didn't intend to keep seeing him, but since you both had second period free on Monday you would go for coffee together.

Again.

And again.

Until you were actively excited on Sunday nights as it means you would get to see him the next day.

After a month of coffee meet-ups you pop the question and Sam immediately agrees. You set a day and time and find that butterfly feeling in your stomach back after a long absence. A month later he meets your parents over video chat.

Eventually, David becomes someone to forget.

Until he arrives on your front doorstep at winter break, two years later, just like he did when he picked you up for Joey's party.

You go for a walk together.

"I'm sorry how things ended," he says, not looking you in the eye.

You tell him it is fine. "I just...didn't know where I was," he continues. "I was feeling all new things. I had never liked guys before."

"And where are you now?"

"I don't know. I had a girlfriend at university. I tried telling her my feelings about men, but she rejected me. I feel like I have to choose between guys and girls and it's fucking with my head," David says, kicking the snow on the ground.

"You know that you don't have to choose a side," you say, smiling at him. "There is bisexual, or pansexual, or just 'not straight.' I'm the same."

You want to remember the look on David's face forever. That look as he mouthed the two words, as if testing them out. It was like a literal lightbulb moment.

"So you like girls too?" David asks. You nod.

"But I also date guys," you say. "I met a nice guy at the LGBT meet-up, Sam. We've been dating for half a year,."

"You seem to have everything sorted out," he says, giving a short laugh.

You walk back to your house and stop by the tree you had shared a kiss under it in the rain eighteen months ago.

The branches that had protected you from the rain were now dead from the frost.

"It was good to see you," David says. "I'm happy for you."

"Ditto," you reply. "I hope you find whatever you are looking for."

You look at David and for a second, you are back.

His eyes sparkling like emeralds, sandy skin tinged pink from the cold, blonde hair peeking out from underneath a wooly hat.

You feel the heat from the summer you shared and the twinge from your heart.

You slowly wrap your arms around him and hug him tightly, holding him close.

You try to stay forever in his hold and capture every slight detail.

The pinewood aftershave on his neck.

The light curls escaping his hat that tickles your ears.

His chest moving up and down with his breath.

You want to stay here, but you know you can't. He can't.

You let him go. He waves goodbye as he walks back home.